There is a certain poetic justice to the collapse of our financial sector; especially, if you work in the Service Industry. Now, “Why would I be happy to bite the hand that feeds me?” you may ask. Service Industry workers totally rely on those with capital to keep the light on, that’s true; however, the sad truth is no one tips better then those IN the Service Industries…who have very little money to throw around. Yeah, we party better then anyone, mostly because we HAVE to blow off steam or kill 17 nurses from a bell tower with a rifle after having been abused by self absorbed assholes with shitty crying children making modern art all over the floor. Do I look like a janitor/babysitter/whipping boy? If so is it my haircut? What else can I do to make YOU and yours civilized? We don’t want to hate you though; it runs counter productive to the process of Hospitality. Seriously, we really want you to enjoy your meal/drink/experience; it’s more fun that way for all of us. So, here are a few tips that will hopefully repair relations between our kind. Maybe, one day in the not so distant future we can all have drinks after a successful 4 star dining experience and adequate compensation. Shit, I’ll recommend the place and the first round is on me.
1. If you are discussing business, get a conference room.
It’s not the act of shop talk that we dislike as servers, it’s the time spent doing it. You’re all gravy if you’re eating and drinking, but once the meal is over and you’re sipping water at some one’s table for an hour, you’re really cutting into our time to turn the table. This may sound shitty, but it’s the only reason were there. This generally happens at lunch time, seeing as at supper after dinner drinks and coffee are much more prevalent. Look, make us all happy, get a conference room and order in or have your meeting at the beach or something, get creative or use the matrix that states for every 20 minutes you sit at my table not eating or drinking that will be a $2 stagnant table fee added to my tip.
2. If your kid is too young to behave, don’t go out.
Now, this is a tough one because I love kids. Some kids are totally cool and don’t give you problems, they look around bewildered by the new surroundings, loving every second of being somewhere new. Others scream like a banshee at the first sign of a new and terrible place. Now, were not heartless creatures, servers that is, we understand that kids do that, but take the kid outside! Just because you’ve become dead behind the ears to the murderous screams of your child doesn’t mean anyone else has; shit man, that kids killing my ability to stifle this hangover and my other tables get pissed at me for not saying something. See, see how that’s a double edged sword for me? If I say something to you, you’ll get mad at me if I don’t I lose out on all the other tips. I know you need to go out and get a meal, your human beings, but you had children, you lost your rights to a nice dinner out for a few years. Sorry, that’s just the way it is if your too cheap to hire a babysitter.
3. If the table isn’t big enough to accommodate, don’t force it.
True story, I worked at a steakhouse where the policy was, we aren’t a banquet style eatery and we don’t have a banquet room, so we don’t do parties of 10 or more. So, a guy comes in on a slow lunch and wants us to accommodate his party of 15, I explain the policy and his response is, “Why don’t you just push some of these tables together.”; as if that had never occurred to anyone before in the history of the world. I explained that the tables were indeed bolted to the floor, (because, that question had been broached several times.) so, instead of accepting his fate and either splitting up his party or going someplace else, he gets on his hands and knees in his overpriced suit and starts trying to take the bolts out of the floor. I shit you not. I know he was trying to make a point and some business men have to exert dominance over the world, that’s how they get where they got to in life; but you look like an asshole when you do that. If it looks like an asshole, smells like an asshole and is totally full of shit…
4. If you want a booth/table say that.
It’s Friday at 8:30, you’ve had to wait at the overcrowded bar for 45 minutes and your name gets called, “Goodie” you think, it’s time to eat! The Host gets you within spitting range of your gastronomic real estate and you go, “Oh, I’m sorry we wanted a booth.” Look, I know your problem is important to you and your Filet and bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape won’t taste the same in a different altitude, but see the pile up at the door? That’s your fault, those people can’t get seated, ‘cause no one knows what the Host is doing, and know your going to double seat the server where you want to sit out of turn, so that person will have to go into rushed mode to get you started in a timely manner as well as getting table 5’s appetizers out in enough time because they didn’t know they were going to get double sat and just put in the entrees as well. That’s what happens if you aren’t specific and willing to wait a little longer. Think of it like this: if you have someone in a wheelchair, you have to make the concession that they can make it to the table, so you tell the Hosts right away, “My mother is in a wheelchair and she can’t get up the stairs or sit in a booth, so we’ll need a table.” Think of what you want, if you’re going to be so particular and ask for it. Or, you get what you get and be happy you got a seat at 8:30 on a Friday without reservations…jerk.
5. Don’t steal my pen.
Don’t steal my fucking pen. I pay for those. When you go, “Oh, this is a great pen…” Yeah, I know they make me buy those here; they do not come free with your meal.
6. If your going to make me split your bill 8 ways, be patient.
These days splitting checks isn’t a big deal, but it does take some time and if you don’t tell us to begin with it can become a huge hassle. Also, if you’re in a hurry all of a sudden and you’re splitting things 8 ways you’re just an asshole. Sorry, but you can’t spring that shit out of nowhere and expect it to be ok. “Hey, can we get our checks and were on a bit of a time crunch sooo…” NO! That is information, such as the splitting of the checks, is something that you let us know from the start. How can I adequately serve you and make sure you have everything you need to enjoy yourself if you don’t let me know. I can only ask so many questions without looking like I’m trying to hurry you along. Work with me here people.
7. If you’re cool, you will get awesome service.
You ever go out with someone who wants everything 30 seconds before they ordered it and gets pissed when it’s not there? I have not evolved to the point of extra sensory perception, so I didn’t know you needed soda water no ice with a lime twist, sorry. If you treat me with the respect I deserve, and I’m handling your food, so I guess for some people that’s a sliding scale, you will get the best service I can provide. Plus, I might be able to pull some strings and get you some free shit. Yeah, it’s true, generally if a table is fun and talkative and really has a good time the managers will comp dessert to keep the party going. That is like food manager crack, “Table 5 is having a great time, they’ve had some wine some nice steaks and their really fun, can we buy them dessert?” 95% of the time they say yes, it looks good for them, me and the restaurant to keep people happy. Plus, they had to right of the 2 desserts they had to give away earlier because of the implied shitty service they got because of the couple that didn’t want to sit in the booth/table offered to them first.
Do you see the cycle, a pattern emerging? Please, follow these steps and seriously, everyone is happy. I promise, we wont make fun of you when you leave because you called Tosh.O blue humor or couldn’t remember Seth McFarlane is the guy who does Family Guy.
