Inception

In the last 10 years Christopher Nolan has made 6 movies and all those movies are winners: Memento, Insomnia, Batman Begins, The Prestige, The Dark Knight and now Inception. I'm not sure exactly what point i'm trying to make here...maybe it's that there is no way Inception will be bad. The worst thing about this movie as far as I can tell is Leo Dicaprio and he really did a good job in the Departed. ( which in no way, shape or form makes up for the Beach....you're still on notice for that turd burger) Plus, everyone else ,whose opinions don't normally count but for the purposes of this argument i'll allow it, say he was good in Blood Diamond and the other depressing movie he made with Rose from Titanic. Neither of which I have seen, because as into weird foriegn flicks as I may be, I am not a masochist. So, no one really knows what this movie is about, apparently the script was top secret and doled out to the actors one scene at a time, which seems like a really hard way to make a movie. I'm down for the ride though, let's strap in and see where this thing takes us. Chris Nolan has a pretty good run going so hopefully if he's gonna lay a stinker it'll be this bad boy and not the next Batman. That would be a crucifiable offense worthy of...well...crucifiction.

Oh Yeah!

Word around the campfire is: Guillermo Del Toro is seriously considering using Tom Waits in The Hobbit. Probably not as Bilbo Baggins, or Gollum, no, no. The rumor mill is all aflame with the non-fact that Mr. Waits will be voicing Smaug, the dragon (as in big, flying,  fire breathing lizard) Antagonist in J.R.R Tolkiens' prequel to the Lord of the Rings. OK, kittens and cats, let's put this thing in perspective. First, we've got Peter Jackson, producing and co-writing the screenplay.Awesome. Then, we have Guillermo Del Toro, directing both movies that will become The Hobbit. (yeah, cause it's that looong) Now, add in to this boiling pot of crazy fantastic...TOM FREAKING WAITS! What is going to happen next?! Is Terry Gilliam going to jump out from behind a dumpster and offer his skills to the project as co-director...maybe Quentin Tarantino can direct the action sequences and write all the dialog...and while were at it Del Toro and say, Rob Zombie could come up with all the monsters and weird things that will come with this movie and give us all the horrible nightmare fodder we could fill our grubby little minds with, with one flick of the wrist. I mean, if were speculating here, why not make this the greatest films of all time! Let's find a spot for the Cohen Bros. and Sam Raimi...give Bruce Campbell a part...let's get this party started! I mean, with the exception of Pete Jackson and Del Toro, none of this conjecture is subjected to the banality of truth. But, we can TOTALLY MAKE THIS HAPPEN! Hop to it Hollywood, let's make me happy!

This looks interesting.

Hollywood has, in the past, rewarded people with sub par ideas, tons of money, fame and the subsequent blow jobs (literally AND figuratively) that come with those things. However, for every Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow , you get a District 9. What does that mean? You say. Well, so glad you asked; see those movies were short films or trailers put together by unknown film makers who went to Hollywood, showed what they had and immediately got a deal to make their movie...or something to that effect. The point is, they were homegrown ideas that had potential. Some met their potential, Paranormal Activity and some fell flat on their face Shoot 'em Up. This trailer featured above is one of those kinds of movies, the director brought this trailer to some meetings and know he gets to be Sam Raimi's sidekick. The movie is tentatively titled Panic Attack! It looks like Cloverfield meets 300 with a bit of Independence Day thrown in there for good measure. I'm not a film maker, so my inner curmudgeon can only be so interested and then something shiny moves into my eyesight. Explosions! It'll be cool to see what the finished product looks like, because this film is one car chase scene on an endless highway away from being a Michael Bay film. Hopefully, they don't go that route and they keep in it Spanish, that way I get to feel all intellectual while reading along to things exploding at a popcorn flick.

...speakin' o' readin'

Tom Robbins! Tom Robbins! Has a new book out! I'm gonna go get that, right now! If you are unaware of Mr. Robbins, you gotta get hip kid, this guy is awesome. He has pretty much cornered the market on being awesome since the early '70s. You may be somewhat aware of a movie with Uma Thurman from the early '90s called, Even Cowgirls get the Blues. It was directed by Gus Van Zant and it was adapted from a Tom Robbins novel. It was shit. If you watch it and aren't familiar with Tom Robbins, you might think he's a science fiction writer or something. Truth is, his books are romantic, philosophical and utterly hilarious. He points out the nuances we all stare dead in the eye everyday and never pay any mind to. I recommend starting with Still life with Woodpecker, it's great! Then Jitterbug Perfume, that one is awesome too.

Look at him, homeboy is 70 years old and still looks cool. Must be all that pacific northwest air.

Ed Norton as opposed to the obligatory Brad Pitt shot. You know he was in that movie too!

Hey there kids, Fight Club the movie is 10 years old this week! I know right? Where does the time go? So, it has officially corrupted a decade of impressionable youths; much like one of my other favorite anti-social behaviour inspiring classics, A Clockwork Orange. Both, were better books than movies, and both movies were great. Moral of the story, read a book. Funny thing about both books AND both movies is, the endings in the books were better than the movies. Why did they do that? In Fight Club the books ending is dark and fits the tone of the story better, in the end...there is no end. Brilliant, if you ask me why throw that ending away? In A Clockwork Orange there is an entire chapter that changes the ending 100%. It's even a happy ending, why would they change that? The official reason given by Stanley Kubrick when he was sucking in air was that he read the American version of the book which omitted the last chapter. 1st, why on Earth would any publisher do that and in his preparation for making the movie didn't anyone bring that up? "Hey, Stan, I got this other version of that book were making into a movie, it's from the U.K. or something, anyways it's got a whole different ending and an extra chapter...we should do that movie I think." People are stupid. Anyways, go get the blue ray of Fight Club cause the blood will be, like, in your living room as opposed to just on your T.V. Get those books too, they're really good.

Tokyo.Gore.Police.

I love the Japanese. They are the epitome of how a repressed nation can unleash their imagination ID in such a bizarre fashion. This movie is AMAZING! It's totally rocking the social commentary a'la Robocop with commercials for neon razors for fashionable teen "Cutters", a wii remote accessory that is a samurai sword for cutting gaming enemies in half and a P.S.A warning against the dangers of Hari Kari!? Not to mention a race of genetically engineered bad guys, who cannot be killed unless a mysterious key gland is extracted from their skulls. What happens to them until said key is extracted? They mutate into ever more bizarre killing machines, much like The Thing, until they get snuffed. Yeah, we have a Robocop reference right next to The Thing. Hell has officially frozen over folks. The gore is percolating over the edge and each monster seems to lean more to the imaginations of Clive Barker than Manga...look:

That's enough to make me want to commit Seppuku...sincerely. Japanese movie makers have always known that violence sells, look at all the squibs needed to power just one frame of Shogun Assasin, that's alot of blood I assure you. This chick with the croco-crotch is not the only beauty in this brothel with a secret...you'll just have to watch this psycho thrill movie that borders on torture porn to get the gist. I really, really can't do it any justice....really.

In the meantime, have sweet dreams of these lusty creatures tonite...wow...

Dead Snow

Ahhh, I've been waiting to see this one for a little while know. Much like the afore-mentioned Drag me to hell, this movie isn't going to win an Oscar for anything. It drags 5 minutes too long before getting to the action and isn't long enough to tie up loose ends, it is, however, tons of fun. Obviously, Tommy Wirkola loves the best things about American cinema and has no issue exploiting them. There are several references to Friday The 13th, Evil Dead series and even the Indiana Jones movies. At one point in this all Norwegian spoken movie, the characters stop to quote movies, in English. Just so you get the reference, I guess, which is awesome especially when the quote is "Fortune and Glory, kid. Fortune and Glory." It really brings a feel good vibe to a movie about Nazi Zombies attacking douche medical students on a snowy mountain top. The movie doesn't make much sense, there is no explanation of why there are Nazi Zombies in the mountains....I mean, there's no explanation of why their zombies anyways. The one douchetard that knows what's going on, gets killed first for being stupid, which kinda makes no sense. That would be like killing Lance Henrikson 1st in Pumpkin head thus destroying the entire movie. Yeah, it's a little cobbled together, but there are chainsaw beheadings, a funny hammer and sickle reference/ killing, outhouse sex scenes and a self amputation/cauterization scene that is totally over the top. It's pretty fun to watch if you've got nothing else going on and could use some laughs. That's what this one's got, gross out laughs, don't expect much sense.

Look into the eyes of Satan...

Remember about a year ago, when that Chimpanzee wouldn't chill out for company and it's "Mommy" gave it Xanax to cool it out. Do you remember what happened next? That chimp went ape shit and ripped off her face with its bizarre simian strength. What is with THAT!? Apparently, it is no secret that when Chimpanzees turn around 8 years old, they get some sort of monkey althzeimers and forget everything they've been taught. This can lead to some snags in man simian relations as you can imagine; seeing as THEY ARE WILD ANIMALS! Duh... Soooo, what went wrong? Well, in a "normal" PERSON, Xanax would have helped, but even humans with emotional problems have to stay away from certain drugs and especially those that regulate moods because a lot of times they have adverse reactions to them. For example: give a kid with A.D.H.D coffee and it could potentially send them to dreamland toot sweet. So give an unstable animal Xanax and it could potentially send said animal into a simulated 'roid rage, that could potentially rival any Angel Dust imbibing mammal for overall carnage. Seriously, these are supposed to be our cousins in the gene pool, we treat them nice, give them jobs (circus, showbiz, whatever) and the animal equivalent of a 401k (the zoo) and they repay us by ripping our faces off...that's not very cool buddy.
Anyways, I have before and after pictures of the lady who got FUBAR'ed by her chimpanzee. It's pretty brutal and you may throw up in your mouth a little bit...P.S. chick has no hands either...yikes
Before



After



Moral of the story? Never trust a monkey. The End.

Scariest damn thing...ever...

This is a walking catfish and I don't mean that figuratively...I mean it literally! This catfish can literally walk from one pond to the other when the water gets too low...that is one of the scariest GD things I have ever heard. I want to stomp on that damn fish (just to daze it) and throw it back into the water while yelling about how all fish should know their place. I want to trick it into borrowing a large sum of money from a loan shark. A sum so large that this jobless freak wont ever be able to pay back, and said loan shark will be forced to break this bastards legs or fins or whatever. At least the Celocant, had the decency to have budding legs, so we knew, even in our prehistoric minds, that shit would not stand! So we killed it. Now nature wants its revenge so it's sent this crazy catfish bastard to slither its way into our homes to eat our pets, seduce our women and one day raise our children as their own. Fuck you catfish, we're on to you!

I don't want your cat, pork queen!

Drag me to Hell, yeah! Sam Raimi is one of my favorite directors and though he lacks the depth of the Cohen Brothers and the sick imagination of Guillermo Del Toro; he can spin an amazingly twisted, funny yarn. Drag Me To Hell, is not Evil Dead 2, nor is it even Army of Darkness. As you watch the movie, you can recognize how not really good the movie is, however, it IS a really good return to form for Sam Raimi. It's not very good the way that say, Darkman was never a contender for the Oscar; but when it's on you will totally watch that shit. It doesn't take itself seriously, why should it? Didn't we go down a similar road like 15 years ago with Stephen Kings' Thinner? A person pisses off a gross looking gypsy who puts a curse on them. They are skeptical and then totally freaking out, so they try to find a way to reverse the curse and end up having to give it away. Yeah, sorry SPOILER, if you didn't get the way this movie was going to play out from the first 10 minutes I have a first class ticket to the moon with your name on it. I'll let it go for a measly $10,000 a paltry sum just for you...cause you seem like a good kid, and I like you.
Back to what we were talking about, sometimes movies are there just to unplug your mind and go along for the ride. Popcorn, movies...you know the late-nite double feature ilk shown in the heyday of the drive-in. They're few and far between (good ones, anyways) these days, so my hat is off to Sam Raimi. This movie almost makes up for Spiderman 3...almost.

Cut the shit...

It has come to my attention that these 2 bad ass '80's icons (for boys and girls respectively) need some good advice. First, Madonna set the standard for pop music in the 80's by blending budding sexuality, songs about dancing and great production. In a time of skating rink anthems by the likes of Tiffany, Debbie Gibson and Lisa Lisa; Madonna stepped it up a bit and actually pushed boundaries in pop culture while executing the impossible. She sold the blurred lines in her music as controversy; dancing as a sexual act.
Axl Rose, took blues based hard rock and packed it full of punk rock attitude. The Rolling Stones meets the Sex Pistols; a fantastically amazing combination of swagger, anger and talent. Axl, I realize you love Queen, there is nothing wrong with that, Queen rules. You, however, are not in Queen, you are 1 of the integral parts of Guns and Roses. Not Guns or And...you are Roses...you CANNOT be Guns AND Roses...the world is made up of in holes and out holes...guess what...you can't be both. That horrible fucking band w/ Slash and the guy from S.T.P is wayyy more GnR then what you got going on. You got smacked by Tommy Hilfinger fer Jesus Christ-sake.


OK, I'm a big fan of both of you, so with all due respect: CUT THE SHIT!
Madonna, you may be a kabbalah lady 'er something so stay away from the sex talk, you're the queen of re-invention so that shock shit is way tired. You did, however, write a shit ton of #1 hits about dancing. Let's get you back to your roots. Dammit, whoever the god of Kabbalah is can't be pissed about a song about dancing! Step to it woman, you're being usurped by Lady Gaga, she's sweet and all but, come on! She's 3 hot dogs away from singing and playing the organ at Yankee stadium.
Axl. You! You stupid asshole...where do YOU get off ditching Slash? Who the hell do you think you are mid-western boy? YOU ARE NOT FREDDIE MERCURY! For that matter, you aren't Brian May. This is a good thing. (read above) You play a very important part in the Rn'R world. I have to admit, you have time, you could have Lemmy status. You could be, the man who saved Rn'R from the bullshit of the 00's. You could really make it happen, all you have to do IS: get back with the Guns And, part of Guns and Roses. Stop being an asshole, make an awesome record...better yet, make an awesome live record. That's fucking rock and roll. You and Madonna owe us some great shit. You think you can steal our lunch money as kids and not deliver on it? We will not have this...put out some more Chinese Democracies and Best of: albums...see what fucking happens.

....holy cow...

Be careful what you wish for...that last post is the opposite of this one. This movie is about a German Dr. (Eastern Europeans...crazy bastiches) who specializes in separating Siamese twins and of course loses his shit somewhere along the way. He decides to wield his mighty scalpel in the name of science(evil-read between the lines) instead of good and set out to create a Human Centipede (name of the movie) with one digestive tract and 3 bodies. I dare you to guess how they are attached...go on, guess. Let's just say Dante Hicks was wrong as far as this doctor is concerned; "Sometimes, you go ass to mouth." I'm sooo grossed out right now, this movie will be amazing, if I have the brass cojones to watch it. I'm already ranking it with, Inside as an all time gross out...and I haven't even seen it yet! That is amazing! Look, the movie may be shit, but just the fact that someone is brazen and sick enough to come up with this stuff is impressive. Long live imagination, in all of its hideous forms!

Wolfman...humpfh

Universal Studios is set to release their rehash of old monster movies that have languished in obscurity for too long;starting with The Wolfman starring Benicio Del Toro and Sir Anthony Hopkins. Why is this a bad idea? So glad you asked, while wolfmen and vampires have the ability to scare still, they have also been exploited and romanticized to the point of ridiculousness. Forget about the Mummy or Frankenstein. The Mummy was foolishly turned into a half-assed Indiana Jones rip-off starring Brendan Frasier; truly ruining any clout this former Pharaoh had to offer to the Monster mash. Frankenstein, has become the poster child for orphans and science gone awry. I like him better this way, to make him a bad guy seems like a cheap way of explaining his behaviour. No, I say no...Lovecraft is the true master of Horror. Why are most of our monsters human like? The Thing is a scary movie, Re-Animator is scary. Clive Barker's books are all based on Lovecraft and he can be truly terrifying. Point is...Hollywood, you can do better then this. Stop trying to seduce us with bloodsuckers and hairy alpha males and come up with some tentacle having crazy monsters. If you can't figure it out on your own...you can always ruin Lovecrafts' characters.

The VMA's

As I'm sure you've heard Kanye West did something stupid at the Video Music Awards, cause he's a dumb ass and when you're a dumb ass and you drink, you become a double dumb ass. I pilfered that saying from Star Trek 4; now, who really cares...I can assure you I don't. Yes, it's sad that sweet innocent Taylor Swift got interrupted before she could thank the fans. I felt bad for her, I really did, until about 20 minutes later when she performed on a supposedly real subway car. Then i realized that the thing that made the V.M.A's worth watching WAS Kanye's freakout. Who F'ing cares about little kids in sweater vests and girl haircuts...w.t.f? Mtv should stop...just stop. Haven't you soiled your reputation enough? Music television my foot, what is going on over there? Green Day took the stage and Billie Joe said that Mtv should play more videos, and I agree as long as their not your videos Green day, sorry. The Who did rock operas, you do something else that's less good and gets twice the attention. Blow. This is an indoctrination of American youth, grow up and suck as hard as you can, and maybe, just maybe someone will care. Haircuts and clothes do not make good music, they sell music. For the record, I liked the Lady Gaga performance. It was a little PG-13ish in a sea of G rated assholes. It hearkened back to when people like Madonna would do something primarily because she could and it would be controversial. Stir the pot, the flavors are all the same anyway, why not mix it up. Mtv, you stopped playing music videos, so A. you don't get an awards show for something you don't do and B. you cancelled Wonder Showzen...you sirs are DEAD to me.



P.S. Patrick Swayze died...this is the best tribute ever.

pffftt...whatever

Apparently, Jim Lindbergh of Pennywise fame, has quit the band in order to turn his parenting tome for the pierced into a full length feature film. Hhhmmmm, that sounds odd to me, but in reality I don't care. I actually have never liked Pennywise and Bro Hymn is a dumb song i.m.h.o. Punk rock shouldn't sound polished and surfer snooty. That's one step away from 311 or Phunk Junkees or something and this my friends is no good. Like guys who wear baseball caps real low and sunglasses and basically dress like cholos. Who are you trying to fool? You aren't mexican and out of all the fashionable skaters out there, none of them look like this anymore. Get out of 1995, dickies are only cool if your in middle school or if they are required by your job...like nametags. Good luck to Jim Lindbegh and all the other Pennywisers. Here's to another 20 years of sub-par shitty music. WOOHOO! maybe the bass player will kill himself again...that would be interesting.

A day after the Beatles remasters...coat tail riders!

Well, done! I really don't get the fascination with Oasis, yeah, they sound like the Beatles;news flash, they AREN'T the Beatles. Yeah, Splenda is made from sugar, but it isn't sugar! A pocket pussy looks real but isn't the real thing, not even the same ballpark! Oasis is kinda whinny sounding and they seem to get into more trouble then the Beatles ever did, meaning they're trying too hard. If you write great songs and your confident in your creativity, you don't need to be an asshole. That goes back to the post from yesterday on the Beatles. Bottom line anglo-philes, Oasis is aping the Beatles like a jockey rides a horse: hard, fast and as far as the damn thing will take them. It's perverse, but hey it's made them rich pricks, so whatever, right? I guess London is kinda like South Beach; everyone will think your the most talented dude in the room if you are in possession of the cocaine. Yeah, I know they're not from London, but you better believe that's where they park their fat Beatles adoring asses these days. NEXT!

The MuthaFuckin Beatles!

Yea, the Beatles are back with a completely re-mastered catalog being released today and a Rock Band game. (sic) Why not? They are the most important musicians of the last 100 years. I know that's a bold statement but, this is my blog and that's what I think. Who else has made such a far reaching impact on every one and everything. Seriously, even if you don't particularly like the Beatles (wha?) if you like, say, any other genre of music you owe them a debt of gratitude. If it weren't for the Beatles Rock and Roll would have evolved into some amalgamation of Country and Lawrence Welk. Both can be taken in very, VERY, small doses. The Beatles invented true pop music and were still edgy dudes, you know the kinda guys who start trends...not follow them. See, where the Stones acted out the role of being ruffians from the wrong side of the track, the Beatles were from the wrong side of the track..in Liverpool, apparently a rough place. Makes sense if you think about it, cause it still happens: the guys who become peacocks probably have less to say and those who know that music is an aural assault and not so much a fashion show write great lyrics. Not a bad thing, look at Bowie; he writes good pop that makes very little sense. I mean, they had style without being ruled by it. The Beatles were also the 1st group to start their own label in order to reap the benefits of their labour and put out records by people they loved; Apple records. Basically, were still following the template that they set nearly 50 years ago. They were amazing song writers and so much more. Thanks, Beatles...thank you very much.

Vincent Cassel..I really, really, hate you.

Vincent Cassel is the Antagonist in Sheitan, another movie that illustrates the importance of staying as far away as you can from the backwoods of eastern Europe. We've got a couple punk kids in the Styyx Bar, in Paris (foreshadowing?) who are all about the gangsta rap, causing trouble, groping chicks and basically being relatively douchey. They meet a strange but beautiful young lady named Eve (foreshadowing) who has a house in the countryside where they can party, because it's Christmas Eve and no one wants to go home. Who doesn't want to go home on Christmas Eve...there ARE presents on the other end of your drunken bender. Even spoiled wiggers from Paris get a visit from the only man who can get into my house without a key and not get arrested. Anyways, Vincent Cassel is there and he's bat shit crazy; he immediately takes a liking to the seemingly biggest a-hole known as Bart. There are inbred children, scenes with uncomfortable nudity, talk of the devil and incest, plus more gangsta rap. This movie is over the top, the characters are like a bad dream come to life and yet realistic enough to keep one grounded in reality. There are a few arguments about the meaning of this movie...they're all pretty crazy if you ask me, and we'll assume you did since your here. It's got parts of T.C.M, a bit of Rosemary's Baby and a ton of weird foreshadowing and symbolism. Vincent Cassel plays Joseph as a caricature of backwoods incestuous wack job and why not? That shit is actually pretty scary and in some cases should be played over the top. He's good and he's married to Monica Belluci, who is otherworldly gorgeous in that way that only voluptuous Italian/Spanish women can be, like when they work out, pluck and get all the good genes...you know what I mean? Overall, a strange flick but I liked it more then Calvaire, which should be watched only by masochists. Just don't expect feeling anything but creeped out by the end. Which is better then feeling cheated as far as I'm concerned.

Melvins = Awesome. Down = Fail

Tonite! The Melvins w/ Evil Army, Weedeater and Down. Down features Phil Anselmo from Pantera...which is like...whatever. They're like a metal band who plays real slow on shitty equipment posing as a stoner rock band. Now, there's a big difference between the Melvins and Down. Melvins are an institution of noise rock/stoner rock scrumtralesence; Down just seem like their trying too hard. Sorry guys for being such a Down-er, dirt head metal just aint my bag. Plus, these days Melvins without Big Business is half the fun, however, Melvins will probably play a litany of their old school anthems, which is always fantastic. Puh-leeze, play Queen off of Stoner Witch and school these wackadoos on the art of bowl rumbling Rn'R. P.s. come back and play with the Butthole Surfers next month...for that matter come back and play with Jesus Lizard in November. Please, please,please,please,pleaseplease,please...Oh yeah, this IS HAPPENING!

Young Widows...again

I love this freaking band.

Henry Rollins on music.

Henry Rollins rules!

49% Mofo, 51% S.O.B

Who ever thought C.C. Deville of all people would have anything relevant to say? Actually, he may be the coolest part of Poison, which isn't saying much but it IS better then being Brett Michaels. Lemmy deserves a movie, Lemmy deserves to have a statue erected in the middle of Times Square. OK, so he hasn't saved humanity with the cure for Cancer and he isn't some philanthropic super hero. He has, however, given like 3 generations of kids a soundtrack for their adolescent anger. Plus, he is one of the coolest rock stars around...I mean even Slash says so...SLASH! He's a real pirate, a real rock star and apparently really down to earth. So, watch this movie, buy Motorhead records and say hello if your at the Rainbow and you see Lemmy in his corner booth; Send over a Jack and Coke on me.

The work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives and the dreams shall never die. Edward Kennedy

Ted Kennedy succumbed to brain cancer last night. This from his wikipedia page:

Senator Ted Kennedy has worked to pursue justice and equal rights for all Americans, regardless of race, color, or creed. As an advocate for many who would not otherwise be heard, such as minority groups, his political positions on racial justice; women’s reproductive rights; gender equality; age discrimination; prejudice against immigrants; bigotry against gays and lesbians; and civil rights, has had an essential role in America. ^[228]

He was also a big advocate for Universal Health Care, which of course he didn't live to see come to fruition. He also drunk drove into a lake killing Mary Jo Kopechne. That happened in 1969, that's probably all you'll hear about from the #1 news source for most Americans. People are stupid.

District 9

Soooo, District 9 is about aliens in Johannesburg, South Africa living in slums for the last 30 years. Bio-technology, social commentary and explosions keep this movie moving. It's got a few flaws and could have used...something. I pegged the ultimate outcome for our protagonist as soon as the opportunity presented itself, 15 minutes into the movie. Interestingly, our protaganist isn't really all that likeable; actually, I didn't like him at all until the very end of the film. I questioned his motives, all of his actions and his apprehension to make any moves in the right direction. Maybe this was intentional, seems unrealistic to me though. If you find yourself morphing into an alien, on the run from bloodthirsty government killers and your wife has basically kicked you to the curb, wouldn't you be pissed off and ready for action? I would and it wouldn't take me an hour to do it. Bottom line, this is produced by Peter Jackson. He can do no wrong...he made Bad Taste, Meet the Feebles and Dead/Alive....er, granted he didn't direct this. He's directing The Lovely Bones a movie about a murdered girl who watches over her family from heaven, weighing whether or not she should get some revenge. That movie will probably be awesome and perfect because in my world Peter Jackson, Guillermo del Toro, Terry Gilliam and Rob Zombie are the new rock stars...actually Rob Zombie was a rock star...whatever, Halloween 2 is coming out. I thought he promised us that Mike Myers was dead? What happened? This movie better blow the socks off of my feet straight into the hamper...seriously w.t.f?

Dumpster Pool

This is a pool in Brooklyn constructed primarily of three industrial sized dumpsters lined with plastic! Wow! What a way to make good use of old junk. It's probably way cleaner then any public pool I've ever been to, certainly looks cleaner. I love seeing stuff like this, it makes me look at things in my apartment and ponder what ELSE they could masquerade as. Could the heating coil in my coffee maker be used to warm up my water bed? Could I actually construct said imaginary water bed out of old plastic bags and a shower curtain? What of this bag of shit? Could it be used as a make shift bomb in a pinch? It is a bag of shit, filling with toxic gas and congealing as we speak. I'm just saying, think out of the box people!

XXX

The problem isn’t Taxes, Obama, Health Care Reform, Republicans OR Democrats. The problem is us America, we have some entitlement issues. We have all grown up to trust that: America is the greatest country on earth ™, standing up for what you believe in is your duty, freedom isn’t free and democracy comes with blood. If you fed these ingredients to a baby it would grow up to be an aggressive, blood thirsty ego maniac, much like the talking heads on T.V. In reality, where most of the world lives, conversation and healthy disagreements are what spark conversation and ultimately solutions to problems. The difference is OUR differences; we all want, what we want, but no one is willing to budge. Democrats seem to believe in taking the high road and that fighting back would somehow be counter active, whereas the Republicans realize that no matter how much misinformation they spread or whatever divisive tactics they have to resort to, they will win. The Republicans are right, it’s like the little kid who repeats “I’m not touching you” as loud as he can with an outstretched finger centimeters from his sisters’ face. We get it, you want attention and you’re not going away, this dogged path of weary acceptance works every time. It works every time, unless, there is a stronger figure who turns around and informs in an authoritative manner “Cut it out, or I’m turning this car around and were going home!” When the asylum is run by the patients, nothing gets done except insane things. We have currently become the laughing stock of the world, again, because we REFUSE to hear each other out. White noise will never take the place of conversation and being misinformed will never take the place of true knowledge. You know what, no one wants to pay more taxes, no one is going to kill grandma, but unless we discuss these things with all the chips on the table there can be no positive action. All we are doing by being ego maniacs is driving a wedge between ourselves, our neighbors, our family and friends. We are so self-absorbed and filled with fear that we don’t realize how huge the wedge is becoming. Some people are jokingly hoping for Separatism, yeah, I’m sure that’s how the Birthers movement got started too. We have to realize that these feelings are ok as long as we talk it out, bitch. It doesn’t have to be a love in, but it should be fair, it should be civil and really there doesn’t have to be an outcome other than to agree to disagree. It’s not much, but it’s a start. How can we make any decisions if we can’t do that? Maybe, that’s not the point, maybe no matter what happens we are too far gone for this sort of domestic diplomacy. If that’s the case, we are not the country we think we are, we're diluting ourselves and we might as well give up now. We're not a dysfunctional family, we're a virus that infects the world and is now infecting ourselves, and we're doomed.

Passion is a fashion

It's been a couple months since Green Day released their follow up to the punk opera, American Idiot. It's an album similarly styled about the downfall of America or whatever. Let's get to brass tacks, any band preaching revolution and playing yesterdays tunes isn't getting anything done. Green Day are notoriously styled after the Ramones and first wave English Punk bands i.e. 1977 style punk. There is nothing wrong with those bands, I like those bands, but those bands almost all notoriously walked away from that style when it stopped being edgy. For better or worse, most got heavier or slower or creepier or more metal or went in a completely different direction. The point is, they progressed and grew (even if no one but them liked their new direction), the exception is the Ramones. The Ramones never had to change, they owned the speed and they were never overtly pissed off. They were angry dudes from queens, who set out to make bubblegum rock and roll and failed. Their failure just so happened to coincide with the disaffected youth of the time. The Ramones were the template from which all great bands from there on out were based. So here's the question, if you want to make a difference in the world, make different. As Soon as Black Flag wrote My War they changed punk rock. This is an almost unlistenable record, if you've never been knee deep in the depths of anger and depression, you wont get it. It didn't make the top 100, but it made an impact. The moment Refused wrote The Shape of Punk to Come they destroyed the acetate. This is revolutionary music to make you ponder WHY your revolting. Making sense of the mess the world was in, the ramifications of this album are still being heard 10 years on. The Locust are another band, actually most 31G bands, that break the rules every time. The 90's had a ton of bands that refused to follow preconceived notions of what punk rock could be. The Jesus Lizard, Sonic Youth, Helmet even, yes, Nirvana. They strayed enough from the formula to make it interesting. So, Green Day why the hell are you pandering and sticking to the set rules? To sell records? No one would fault you for that, if you were trying it by doing something different, by doing nothing different your further limiting the scope through which people see punk rock. It's more then 4 on the floor and 3 chords with spiky hair and sneers. I get the point that could be made that, the more assessable the music the farther the message reaches. Well, that's great join Bruce Springsteen (who actually DID step out of HIS box) in making pseudo-political records. If your a punk band, be a fucking punk band, do something different, buck the trends and what's expected. Both, Rancid AND Green Day made great records earlier in their careers where they tried experimenting and quickly retreated back to the fray. If Fugazi can maintain a career for like 20 years and stick to their guns on ticket prices, while touring constantly and releasing innovative albums; can't you even try?

Legion

Hmmm...this kinda looks like the Prophecy but with Doug Jones (Pan's Labrynth and the Hellboy films)and Dennis Quaid. How come creepy demons who can shape shift and crawl on walls; who are directly from the bowels of hell can't take a shotgun blast to the face? Wouldn't that be demon training 101, take a bullet and keep going. It's never good when there are plot holes in the trailer, however, I may be jumping the gun. At times, during the trailer I can't wait to see this and then I'm like "What? What the hell?" There could be an explanation for all of this stupidity in the movie. I'm hoping it does because this movie looks good and bad all at once. Kinda like a bacon double cheeseburger with a fried egg on top at 4 in the morning; after a night of drinking cheap beer and cheaper whiskey. You think that burgers going to help, but really your stoking the flames of discontent that are forming in the pit of your belly. Pretty soon there will be rioting and then full mutiny; you will be under siege from inside. Like if you were birthing an angry, rabies infested kangaroo with sharp claws. Yuck....wait...THATS A MOVIE!

Update: I of course have no clue how to use semi-colons but; I like to pretend I do!

RUN AWAY!

Next month, IFC is running a six-part documentary on Monty Python. Terry Gilliam is my favorite Python, more for his post Python career as a director. However, picking a favorite Python is like trying to decide which double-mint twin would be better to hook up with. I seriously hope that this will help push Gilliam's The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassius into getting a U.S. release date.


I mean, this is Heath Ledger's final role...blah, blah, blah. If that helps procure it a release date, right on!
The Python's Almost The Truth: The Lawyer's
Cut premieres next month on IFC.

Everything old is new again

Here is a video of legendary noise rock band the Cows. Brought to you by: spots, liquor and Amphetamine Reptile records. The nineties are BACK! You can see this everywhere, but nowhere more prevalent then in music. The Jesus Lizard are on tour (got my tix) Blink 182, Limp Bizqwick and even Jane's Addiction have hit the road. Hell, I even saw a guy with a hyper color Urkel shirt on the other day. OK, generally this is good for music (minus the middle part of that list), bad for fashion. A couple days ago, N.P.R had a story about back to school shopping and the economy. Apparently, plaid is very in these days and the commentator didn't miss a beat when suggesting going into the garage and pouring through boxes of Nirvana posters to find those flannel shirts. However, with global warming in full flux, we may want to reconsider flannel in general. Maybe a cotton plaid shirt or maybe even paint. Whatever, the 90's are back, buy the new Melvins album and the new Mudhoney record. These guys deserve your attention...as well as the back catalog of Am Rep!
Buy, Consume get those Sub Pop loser shirts out of your closet! The time has come!

Under Destruction

This from the Guardian.uk regarding health care "riots" at town hall meetings...

The tactics of Republicans, conservative protest groups and healthcare lobbyist-linked organisations have been decried by many commentators. Though Republican leaders and other conservatives have claimed the protests are a genuine outburst of anti-healthcare reform feeling, there have been instances of activists being caught red-handed.
One woman who protested at a public meeting held by Wisconsin congressman Steve Kagen, a Democrat, had said she was "just a mom" but turned out to be a former senior Republican party official. "They've become political terrorists, willing to say or do anything to prevent the country from reaching a consensus on one of its most serious domestic problems," said Washington Post columnist Steven Pearlstein.

wow...this sounds suspiciously like what happened in Florida in the 2000 Presidential campaign. During the "swinging chad" debacle, republicans planted protesters overflowing with a fervor to see their man selected. We as a country should be ashamed of ourselves. We should be ashamed that we allow people to act like this in public, we should be ashamed of Sarah Palin, we should be ashamed that people die for lack of health care and 48% of the population doesn't care...what? Yeah, that's right 62% of the American people ARE interested in "Public Option" health care.

But perhaps the most surprising thing about the whole debate is that the appetite for health reform remains extremely popular with most Americans, even as Obama's poll numbers sink and the fight with Republicans and the healthcare industry grows uglier and uglier. One recent poll showed that 62% of Americans favoured a public option and 61% supported higher taxes on the wealthy in order to pay for it.

This from the U.K. How come they can see through the bullshit and we can't? Maybe because this is a ridiculous debate to most other industrial countries. See, they have universal health care. UUGGHHH, I hate the fact that this is even the topic of conversation. It's such a stupid thing to argue over, like taxing people for air in a room, inside a house you own. Maybe Sarah Palin should get someone to explain the fundamentals to her before she makes stupid Facebook comments about the subject. Which she retracted today F.Y.I.

Sarah Palin is calling for civilised discussion about Barack Obama's proposal for healthcare reform after saying the president's plan "downright evil".

On Friday the former governor of Alaska stoked the flames of the healthcare debate by posting a note on her Facebook page. She wrote: "The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down's syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of healthcare."

However today she urged opponents of Obama's healthcare reform plan to "stick to a discussion of the issues" at town hall meetings held by elected officials and to "not get sidetracked by tactics that can be accused of leading to intimidation or harassment".

"Such tactics diminish our nation's civil discourse which we need now more than ever because the fine print in this outrageous healthcare proposal must be understood clearly and not get lost in conscientious voters' passion to want to make elected officials hear what we are saying. Let's not give the proponents of nationalised healthcare any reason to criticise us," she wrote.

God, I dislike her with a passion that burns with the fire of 1000 suns.

Campaign for Emo Destruction

Ok, no more politics for today. Have some Spazz!


Ahhhh...1995. I remember you well. Saw Spazz with Cavity and Ass-suck at Cheers in Miami. One of the finest pit steamrollers care of Ryan Felon, those were the days. Anybody now what happened to a band from Miami called Disney Violence? They were pretty good.

Those Fascist Liberals!

Wait...what? You can't call someone a communist AND call them a fascist or equate them with Hitler in the same sentence. These are opposing view points and when people do this, like at the town hall meetings, they show their ignorance. Here's the deal folks, historically Republicans want small government and family values focusing on the Christian religion while basing most decision making on conservative actions and economic liberty.

Fascism, pronounced /ˈfæʃɪzəm/, comprises a radical and authoritarian nationalist political ideology and a corporatist economic ideology.
Fascists believe that nations and/or races are in perpetual conflict whereby only the strong can survive by being healthy, vital, and by asserting themselves in conflict against the weak. Fascists advocate the creation of a single-party state. Fascist governments forbid and suppress criticism and opposition to the government and the fascist movement. Fascism opposes class conflict, blames capitalist liberal democracies for its creation and communists for exploiting the concept. Fascism is much defined by what it opposes, what scholars call the fascist negations - its opposition to individualism, rationalism, liberalism, conservatism and communism. In the economic sphere, many fascist leaders have claimed to support a "Third Way" in economic policy, which they believed superior to both the rampant individualism of unrestrained capitalism and the severe control of state communism. This was to be achieved by establishing significant government control over business and labour (Mussolini called his nation's system "the corporate state").

Democrats want big government to take charge of the needs of the people, especially those who can't help themselves.

Communism (from Latin: communis = "common") is an egalitarian, classless, stateless society based on common ownership and control of the means of production and property in general, and a political ideology and social movement that seeks to establish such a society. The term "Communism", usually spelled with the capital letter C, is also often used to refer to a Communist state, a form of government in which the state operates under a one-party system and declares allegiance to Marxism-Leninism or a derivative thereof, even if the party does not actually claim that the society has already reached communism.

How, can ANYBODY, be both? Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh know the difference and are feeding on people's fears like blood sucking leeches. It doesn't matter that the people who generally oppose universal health care are the ones who probably need it most. It doesn't matter to them that health care is a RIGHT that we don't get. Everybody pays taxes, that's because your an American, you were born here. You have NO choice, these are the rules. So, you pay for the police, firemen, teachers, schools, roads, parks, the D.M.V, and everything else the place you live in needs. YOU pay for that, with your taxes. You also pay for the health care of your government officials, the same people who are either A. trying to help you get the same treatment or B.denying you the same treatment. Right now, you don't have the right to walk into any hospital and get the care you need. If you don't have insurance or even the right kind of insurance, they can either make you wait until you bleed out or throw your ass back out onto the street. Basically, if your born here or come here you HAVE to pay taxes to fund things you may never use, but your not owed the basic rights of any human to prevent disease or treat illness. Wake up, Rush and Beck HAVE health care. They don't need it...you probably do. If people would stop stirring the shit pot and try to understand the issue at hand, we might be able to come to an agreement everyone will at least tolerate.

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness--That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the the Consent of the Governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive to these Ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such Principles and and organizing its Powers in such Form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. . . .

This is from the Declaration of Independence. Written by Thomas Jefferson. If Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh or anyone else can refute that these days universal health care doesn't fall under the category of unalienable rights per: LIFE, Be my guest.

To further prove Bill Clinton's awesomeness, he single handedly went to North Korea and freed American journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling. They were working for Current TV when they were arrested for illegally entering the country and were sentenced to 12 years in a hard labor camp. Bill Clinton, I imagine, showed up to Kim Jong Il's told the despot what was what, brought in the dancing girls and said something to the effect of, "Sack it up old lady, I'll give you the strippers and a case of Coors light for the journalists." After which a massive party ensued and everybody got laid! Look, I know even if you like a politician, they're still politicians and will invariably piss you off at some point. That's politics, no one is ever going to make everyone happy all the time. However, some are better then others at keeping the greater good for the public at large in mind. Something like 60% of the undecided voters wanted to have a beer with Bush in 2004, and he allegedly doesn't drink. That's too bad, if he was loaded for 8 years it would have explained alot of his ambivalence towards good decision making. Bill Clinton on the other hand isn't taking shit from anyone, including his own heart, and especially not from Kim Jong Il. Seriously, this dude rules, even more now then when he was president.
BOOYAH!

WTF?

This is a P.S.A of sorts, care of Nas and apparently Nick Cannon. Hip hop used to be really cool, when it was about making music. All the Gangsters in the world should take note, telling people how hard you are doesn't actually make you hard. If you have a gun and the other fella doesn't, that doesn't make you tougher then them, it means that their skin isn't bullet proof. If you talk about money enough, you can't will it into existence, that's alchemy and if you could do that, you wouldn't need to rap about stupid shit. Plus, if your from the ghetto and you make it out, why keep talking about it...your out, good for you. If you love talking about it so much, why'd you leave? If you wanna rob people, don't tell me about it, that's admissible in court, your gonna put yourself in jail. That's kinda stupid, don't you think? I'm no tea totaling censor shipper, but I have heard some stuff that had no artistic content and totally sucked. Nas, here's to you man, nice work. Although, this video will catch on for all the wrong reasons, I assure you.

Serious Delerium

Can you EVER get enough Bill Murray? He's in Zombieland, out later this year with Woody Harrelson, playing a zombie?! He's also officially signed on to do Ghostbusters 3 which doesn't come out until 2012. This news is like the day after Christmas to a toddler. You know there will be more presents on another Christmas day, but it couldn't seem farther away. Incidentally, back in the day Chevy Chase and Bill Murray had an "incident" when Chevy Chase returned to Saturday Night Live to host. Bill Murray, had been Chevy's replacement after Chase left the cast, and took a lot of heat for not being like him. Pratfalls, the "I'm Chevy Chase and your not." and what not. Who could handle all that from critics and cast members, he's a comedian not a saint. So, Bill and Chevy came to blows moments before the show and Bill called Chevy a "Medium Talent". They reconciled and did Caddyshack a few years later, thank the little baby jesus for that. However, Chevy is on some show about Community College with the guy from the Soup and Bill Murray hasn't made a bad film in like 15 years.
I guess Bill really knew what he was talking about.
BONG, BONG, Bill Murray!
Here you go, watch this...

New Rules

Bill Maher is a loud, brash, opinionated celebrity who leans to the left and screams to the right. Generally, I think he's pretty dead on, sometimes he's living in left field somewhere near wacky-ville. I get what he was getting at with his rant on the 9/11 terrorists, that doesn't mean it was A. appropriate or B. that anyone else got the point. Newspapers are written at a 5th grade level because most people aren't very smart here in the good ol' U.S.A. It's sad, but true, look it up. So, smart people always need to take it down a notch if they want to be understood. i.e. John McCain picked Sarah Palin as a running mate, which ruined his political clout and miraculously gave her a career. The point I guess I'm getting at is this, Bill Maher is the Bill O'Reilly of the left, which would explain why they're friends, seriously, not making that up. Thank god we have some sort of foil otherwise all that screaming O'Reilly does and hate mongering by the likes of Ann Coulter would be white noise people would chug down like Budweiser. The birthers thing is stupid, and Obama shouldn't have to deal with this. Does anybody really think that this Manchurian Candidate scenario is plausible? That some fact checker in Washington was on a coffee break when Obama declared his run for the presidency? When the most mud was being slung, during the campaign, isn't that when the leeches would have picked up on this, if it had any shred of relevance? Jeez, they've already alluded to him being the Anti-Christ in some circles, what the hell is that all about? The guys got enough going on to not have to deal with this bullshit. P.s. all the stuff he's trying to fix with the world, Iraq, Afghanistan, Global warming, the Economy etc. are issues that were either ignored for 8 years or exacerbated.
Here ya go...

Zombie jujitsu

Any fans of Wild Zero, Riki oh: the Story of Riki or the Evil Dead movies, will L-O-V-E this one!
Ok, we have 2 guys who work in a fire extinguisher factory in Tokyo, but spend all their time practicing jujitsu instead of working. One day they "accidentally" kill their meddling boss and decide to dispose of the body in "Black Mount Fuji" a dump that has spiraled out of control with toxins and dead bodies. Hmmm, doesn't that sound like a prime place for gestating zombie-like activity? Ding, Ding! The rest of this movie is pretty fun and out there, but it's basically like that from the start, so if you can't suspend your disbelief, yer kind of a jerk. The movie veers like a drunk on a skateboard and the ending is actually a pretty fun twist. Seriously, this movie is like crystal meth made out of PEZ: colorful and out of control, with half attached heads. Get this one if you have a chance, you wont be disapointed.

Polished Antiques

Ok,this is something I wrote for Tom Waits Glitter & Doom tour, a year ago. Submitted it to a few places, no one picked it up and so here we are. It seemed too good to languish without being read, so here is my self indulgent attempt to take advantage of a somewhat captive audience...of 3 people.

In a perfect world: ice cream would never melt, patience would be available in pill form and algebra would be outlawed. This fantasyland would need a ringleader, someone who can make sense of this madness; I nominate Tom Waits. We should, however, feel fortunate this isn’t the case. Tom Waits is like a secret handshake between music-philes, drinkers and beatniks the world over. His mere presence in a record collection is a silent admission to heartache, disillusion and a bizarre joy de vivre that most find unsettling. Truth is pop radio is the twisted caricature of normalcy, Tom Waits is the face of a waning Americana. His is the bourbon soaked soundtrack of those who throw caution to the wind, hit the road in search of fortune and glory and make sure that highway is steep and hard to tread. An amalgamation of: Blues, Jazz and carnival barker that is unrivaled and for some subject to much pretext. The Glitter and Doom Tour, Waits new road excursion has been summed up by the man in one word: PEHDTSCHJMBA. This saucy phrase is apparently an acronym for the cities that Glitter and Doom are rampaging through. Of course for Mr. Waits it’s an excuse to play with a word and shoot you a story that sounds like it could almost be true. Save for the glaring discrepancies that god, gravity and any other natural law would have to bend to be believed. Why not give in to a little magic about a singing head with no body (Tabletop-Joe) or go for a swim with a love smitten fish and bird (fish and bird), maybe even believe that shore leave in Singapore is some noir-ish nightmare with German dwarfs shooting dice and smoke masking danger at the edge of every street. (Singapore) Everybody needs to believe in something, Tom Waits just believes he can change the world spinning one yarn at a time, is that so wrong? Some suspect this tour to be for his 3-cd set Orphans, Brawlers and Bawlers, which was released a while back, others think it to be an excuse to make a few bucks and a beer run in a stolen Chevrolet while screaming through the bible belt on his way to Atlantic City, I prefer to think the man has lost his mind and found enlightenment; he may just be cruel enough to share it with us. A few months back the Earl hosted a tribute to the man’s music as well as like-minded luminaries Nick Cave and Leonard Cohen. It was an evening of interpretation that left all in attendance hungry for the real thing. In Wait’s case we won’t want for long, his cavalcade of wonder rolls into the Fox Theater July 5th with the Glitter and Doom Tour.

Calavaire...Horrific...not Horror

This is the BEST scene from Calavaire (the Ordeal), a terrifying movie from Belgium. It's not a horror movie, but it was cringe worthy on many levels and not all in a good way. The synopsis says " Straw Dogs meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre", OK I get the references, but not exactly accurate.

Our protagonist is a traveling torche song revivalist named Marc Singer. Singer is heading south for a big christmas concert when his van breaks down in the town of "crazy freaking weirdo ville".
See video above.
Marc's 1st landfall with madness in this backwoods eastern european squealfest is with Bartel, a seemingly normal, friendly inn keeper who offers to help fix Marc's van. Bartel becomes transfixed with Marc and begins to think Marc is his unfaithful wife returned to pick up where they left off. This is about 50 minutes into the movie (snore) and where the Straw dogs/TCM reference begins. The difference between this movie and Straw Dogs, however, is that their IS no real conclusion to this movie. Their is no come uppance and Marc gives up at the very first sight of danger.
The rest of the movie...just happens and at the end...who cares.

Rent Martyrs instead. A better, if still flawed blood fest.

Vanity Tax to titilate Surgeon General of Beverly Hills

The Big O, not Oprah, our President; has begun a "Vanity Tax" proposal. Basically, those who can afford to have the fat sucked out of their asses and injected into other parts, should pay a little more to do so. This would provide funding for those who can't afford basic health care, which is a fantastic move as far as I'm concerned. However, people who can afford these procedures will be generally outraged. Which may actually be a good thing if you think about it. Their outrage leads to frown lines, crows feet around the eyes and creases in the brow area. These defects mixed with the stress of higher taxes will lead to further wrinkles in the neck and cheeks. Due to the pained expressions and scowls the pastiche of human Barbies and Ken will make. Leading,inevitably, to even further plastic surgery and thereby funding the fixing of the cleft palate of a newborn or getting that pesky dead twin laser ed off a welfare child who can go on to do great things without a chip (or dead twin) on his shoulder.

The Surgeon General of Beverly Hills is all smiles today...can't you tell?