...speakin' o' readin'

Tom Robbins! Tom Robbins! Has a new book out! I'm gonna go get that, right now! If you are unaware of Mr. Robbins, you gotta get hip kid, this guy is awesome. He has pretty much cornered the market on being awesome since the early '70s. You may be somewhat aware of a movie with Uma Thurman from the early '90s called, Even Cowgirls get the Blues. It was directed by Gus Van Zant and it was adapted from a Tom Robbins novel. It was shit. If you watch it and aren't familiar with Tom Robbins, you might think he's a science fiction writer or something. Truth is, his books are romantic, philosophical and utterly hilarious. He points out the nuances we all stare dead in the eye everyday and never pay any mind to. I recommend starting with Still life with Woodpecker, it's great! Then Jitterbug Perfume, that one is awesome too.

Look at him, homeboy is 70 years old and still looks cool. Must be all that pacific northwest air.

Ed Norton as opposed to the obligatory Brad Pitt shot. You know he was in that movie too!

Hey there kids, Fight Club the movie is 10 years old this week! I know right? Where does the time go? So, it has officially corrupted a decade of impressionable youths; much like one of my other favorite anti-social behaviour inspiring classics, A Clockwork Orange. Both, were better books than movies, and both movies were great. Moral of the story, read a book. Funny thing about both books AND both movies is, the endings in the books were better than the movies. Why did they do that? In Fight Club the books ending is dark and fits the tone of the story better, in the end...there is no end. Brilliant, if you ask me why throw that ending away? In A Clockwork Orange there is an entire chapter that changes the ending 100%. It's even a happy ending, why would they change that? The official reason given by Stanley Kubrick when he was sucking in air was that he read the American version of the book which omitted the last chapter. 1st, why on Earth would any publisher do that and in his preparation for making the movie didn't anyone bring that up? "Hey, Stan, I got this other version of that book were making into a movie, it's from the U.K. or something, anyways it's got a whole different ending and an extra chapter...we should do that movie I think." People are stupid. Anyways, go get the blue ray of Fight Club cause the blood will be, like, in your living room as opposed to just on your T.V. Get those books too, they're really good.

Tokyo.Gore.Police.

I love the Japanese. They are the epitome of how a repressed nation can unleash their imagination ID in such a bizarre fashion. This movie is AMAZING! It's totally rocking the social commentary a'la Robocop with commercials for neon razors for fashionable teen "Cutters", a wii remote accessory that is a samurai sword for cutting gaming enemies in half and a P.S.A warning against the dangers of Hari Kari!? Not to mention a race of genetically engineered bad guys, who cannot be killed unless a mysterious key gland is extracted from their skulls. What happens to them until said key is extracted? They mutate into ever more bizarre killing machines, much like The Thing, until they get snuffed. Yeah, we have a Robocop reference right next to The Thing. Hell has officially frozen over folks. The gore is percolating over the edge and each monster seems to lean more to the imaginations of Clive Barker than Manga...look:

That's enough to make me want to commit Seppuku...sincerely. Japanese movie makers have always known that violence sells, look at all the squibs needed to power just one frame of Shogun Assasin, that's alot of blood I assure you. This chick with the croco-crotch is not the only beauty in this brothel with a secret...you'll just have to watch this psycho thrill movie that borders on torture porn to get the gist. I really, really can't do it any justice....really.

In the meantime, have sweet dreams of these lusty creatures tonite...wow...

Dead Snow

Ahhh, I've been waiting to see this one for a little while know. Much like the afore-mentioned Drag me to hell, this movie isn't going to win an Oscar for anything. It drags 5 minutes too long before getting to the action and isn't long enough to tie up loose ends, it is, however, tons of fun. Obviously, Tommy Wirkola loves the best things about American cinema and has no issue exploiting them. There are several references to Friday The 13th, Evil Dead series and even the Indiana Jones movies. At one point in this all Norwegian spoken movie, the characters stop to quote movies, in English. Just so you get the reference, I guess, which is awesome especially when the quote is "Fortune and Glory, kid. Fortune and Glory." It really brings a feel good vibe to a movie about Nazi Zombies attacking douche medical students on a snowy mountain top. The movie doesn't make much sense, there is no explanation of why there are Nazi Zombies in the mountains....I mean, there's no explanation of why their zombies anyways. The one douchetard that knows what's going on, gets killed first for being stupid, which kinda makes no sense. That would be like killing Lance Henrikson 1st in Pumpkin head thus destroying the entire movie. Yeah, it's a little cobbled together, but there are chainsaw beheadings, a funny hammer and sickle reference/ killing, outhouse sex scenes and a self amputation/cauterization scene that is totally over the top. It's pretty fun to watch if you've got nothing else going on and could use some laughs. That's what this one's got, gross out laughs, don't expect much sense.

Look into the eyes of Satan...

Remember about a year ago, when that Chimpanzee wouldn't chill out for company and it's "Mommy" gave it Xanax to cool it out. Do you remember what happened next? That chimp went ape shit and ripped off her face with its bizarre simian strength. What is with THAT!? Apparently, it is no secret that when Chimpanzees turn around 8 years old, they get some sort of monkey althzeimers and forget everything they've been taught. This can lead to some snags in man simian relations as you can imagine; seeing as THEY ARE WILD ANIMALS! Duh... Soooo, what went wrong? Well, in a "normal" PERSON, Xanax would have helped, but even humans with emotional problems have to stay away from certain drugs and especially those that regulate moods because a lot of times they have adverse reactions to them. For example: give a kid with A.D.H.D coffee and it could potentially send them to dreamland toot sweet. So give an unstable animal Xanax and it could potentially send said animal into a simulated 'roid rage, that could potentially rival any Angel Dust imbibing mammal for overall carnage. Seriously, these are supposed to be our cousins in the gene pool, we treat them nice, give them jobs (circus, showbiz, whatever) and the animal equivalent of a 401k (the zoo) and they repay us by ripping our faces off...that's not very cool buddy.
Anyways, I have before and after pictures of the lady who got FUBAR'ed by her chimpanzee. It's pretty brutal and you may throw up in your mouth a little bit...P.S. chick has no hands either...yikes
Before



After



Moral of the story? Never trust a monkey. The End.