....holy cow...

Be careful what you wish for...that last post is the opposite of this one. This movie is about a German Dr. (Eastern Europeans...crazy bastiches) who specializes in separating Siamese twins and of course loses his shit somewhere along the way. He decides to wield his mighty scalpel in the name of science(evil-read between the lines) instead of good and set out to create a Human Centipede (name of the movie) with one digestive tract and 3 bodies. I dare you to guess how they are attached...go on, guess. Let's just say Dante Hicks was wrong as far as this doctor is concerned; "Sometimes, you go ass to mouth." I'm sooo grossed out right now, this movie will be amazing, if I have the brass cojones to watch it. I'm already ranking it with, Inside as an all time gross out...and I haven't even seen it yet! That is amazing! Look, the movie may be shit, but just the fact that someone is brazen and sick enough to come up with this stuff is impressive. Long live imagination, in all of its hideous forms!

Wolfman...humpfh

Universal Studios is set to release their rehash of old monster movies that have languished in obscurity for too long;starting with The Wolfman starring Benicio Del Toro and Sir Anthony Hopkins. Why is this a bad idea? So glad you asked, while wolfmen and vampires have the ability to scare still, they have also been exploited and romanticized to the point of ridiculousness. Forget about the Mummy or Frankenstein. The Mummy was foolishly turned into a half-assed Indiana Jones rip-off starring Brendan Frasier; truly ruining any clout this former Pharaoh had to offer to the Monster mash. Frankenstein, has become the poster child for orphans and science gone awry. I like him better this way, to make him a bad guy seems like a cheap way of explaining his behaviour. No, I say no...Lovecraft is the true master of Horror. Why are most of our monsters human like? The Thing is a scary movie, Re-Animator is scary. Clive Barker's books are all based on Lovecraft and he can be truly terrifying. Point is...Hollywood, you can do better then this. Stop trying to seduce us with bloodsuckers and hairy alpha males and come up with some tentacle having crazy monsters. If you can't figure it out on your own...you can always ruin Lovecrafts' characters.

The VMA's

As I'm sure you've heard Kanye West did something stupid at the Video Music Awards, cause he's a dumb ass and when you're a dumb ass and you drink, you become a double dumb ass. I pilfered that saying from Star Trek 4; now, who really cares...I can assure you I don't. Yes, it's sad that sweet innocent Taylor Swift got interrupted before she could thank the fans. I felt bad for her, I really did, until about 20 minutes later when she performed on a supposedly real subway car. Then i realized that the thing that made the V.M.A's worth watching WAS Kanye's freakout. Who F'ing cares about little kids in sweater vests and girl haircuts...w.t.f? Mtv should stop...just stop. Haven't you soiled your reputation enough? Music television my foot, what is going on over there? Green Day took the stage and Billie Joe said that Mtv should play more videos, and I agree as long as their not your videos Green day, sorry. The Who did rock operas, you do something else that's less good and gets twice the attention. Blow. This is an indoctrination of American youth, grow up and suck as hard as you can, and maybe, just maybe someone will care. Haircuts and clothes do not make good music, they sell music. For the record, I liked the Lady Gaga performance. It was a little PG-13ish in a sea of G rated assholes. It hearkened back to when people like Madonna would do something primarily because she could and it would be controversial. Stir the pot, the flavors are all the same anyway, why not mix it up. Mtv, you stopped playing music videos, so A. you don't get an awards show for something you don't do and B. you cancelled Wonder Showzen...you sirs are DEAD to me.



P.S. Patrick Swayze died...this is the best tribute ever.

pffftt...whatever

Apparently, Jim Lindbergh of Pennywise fame, has quit the band in order to turn his parenting tome for the pierced into a full length feature film. Hhhmmmm, that sounds odd to me, but in reality I don't care. I actually have never liked Pennywise and Bro Hymn is a dumb song i.m.h.o. Punk rock shouldn't sound polished and surfer snooty. That's one step away from 311 or Phunk Junkees or something and this my friends is no good. Like guys who wear baseball caps real low and sunglasses and basically dress like cholos. Who are you trying to fool? You aren't mexican and out of all the fashionable skaters out there, none of them look like this anymore. Get out of 1995, dickies are only cool if your in middle school or if they are required by your job...like nametags. Good luck to Jim Lindbegh and all the other Pennywisers. Here's to another 20 years of sub-par shitty music. WOOHOO! maybe the bass player will kill himself again...that would be interesting.

A day after the Beatles remasters...coat tail riders!

Well, done! I really don't get the fascination with Oasis, yeah, they sound like the Beatles;news flash, they AREN'T the Beatles. Yeah, Splenda is made from sugar, but it isn't sugar! A pocket pussy looks real but isn't the real thing, not even the same ballpark! Oasis is kinda whinny sounding and they seem to get into more trouble then the Beatles ever did, meaning they're trying too hard. If you write great songs and your confident in your creativity, you don't need to be an asshole. That goes back to the post from yesterday on the Beatles. Bottom line anglo-philes, Oasis is aping the Beatles like a jockey rides a horse: hard, fast and as far as the damn thing will take them. It's perverse, but hey it's made them rich pricks, so whatever, right? I guess London is kinda like South Beach; everyone will think your the most talented dude in the room if you are in possession of the cocaine. Yeah, I know they're not from London, but you better believe that's where they park their fat Beatles adoring asses these days. NEXT!

The MuthaFuckin Beatles!

Yea, the Beatles are back with a completely re-mastered catalog being released today and a Rock Band game. (sic) Why not? They are the most important musicians of the last 100 years. I know that's a bold statement but, this is my blog and that's what I think. Who else has made such a far reaching impact on every one and everything. Seriously, even if you don't particularly like the Beatles (wha?) if you like, say, any other genre of music you owe them a debt of gratitude. If it weren't for the Beatles Rock and Roll would have evolved into some amalgamation of Country and Lawrence Welk. Both can be taken in very, VERY, small doses. The Beatles invented true pop music and were still edgy dudes, you know the kinda guys who start trends...not follow them. See, where the Stones acted out the role of being ruffians from the wrong side of the track, the Beatles were from the wrong side of the track..in Liverpool, apparently a rough place. Makes sense if you think about it, cause it still happens: the guys who become peacocks probably have less to say and those who know that music is an aural assault and not so much a fashion show write great lyrics. Not a bad thing, look at Bowie; he writes good pop that makes very little sense. I mean, they had style without being ruled by it. The Beatles were also the 1st group to start their own label in order to reap the benefits of their labour and put out records by people they loved; Apple records. Basically, were still following the template that they set nearly 50 years ago. They were amazing song writers and so much more. Thanks, Beatles...thank you very much.

Vincent Cassel..I really, really, hate you.

Vincent Cassel is the Antagonist in Sheitan, another movie that illustrates the importance of staying as far away as you can from the backwoods of eastern Europe. We've got a couple punk kids in the Styyx Bar, in Paris (foreshadowing?) who are all about the gangsta rap, causing trouble, groping chicks and basically being relatively douchey. They meet a strange but beautiful young lady named Eve (foreshadowing) who has a house in the countryside where they can party, because it's Christmas Eve and no one wants to go home. Who doesn't want to go home on Christmas Eve...there ARE presents on the other end of your drunken bender. Even spoiled wiggers from Paris get a visit from the only man who can get into my house without a key and not get arrested. Anyways, Vincent Cassel is there and he's bat shit crazy; he immediately takes a liking to the seemingly biggest a-hole known as Bart. There are inbred children, scenes with uncomfortable nudity, talk of the devil and incest, plus more gangsta rap. This movie is over the top, the characters are like a bad dream come to life and yet realistic enough to keep one grounded in reality. There are a few arguments about the meaning of this movie...they're all pretty crazy if you ask me, and we'll assume you did since your here. It's got parts of T.C.M, a bit of Rosemary's Baby and a ton of weird foreshadowing and symbolism. Vincent Cassel plays Joseph as a caricature of backwoods incestuous wack job and why not? That shit is actually pretty scary and in some cases should be played over the top. He's good and he's married to Monica Belluci, who is otherworldly gorgeous in that way that only voluptuous Italian/Spanish women can be, like when they work out, pluck and get all the good genes...you know what I mean? Overall, a strange flick but I liked it more then Calvaire, which should be watched only by masochists. Just don't expect feeling anything but creeped out by the end. Which is better then feeling cheated as far as I'm concerned.

Melvins = Awesome. Down = Fail

Tonite! The Melvins w/ Evil Army, Weedeater and Down. Down features Phil Anselmo from Pantera...which is like...whatever. They're like a metal band who plays real slow on shitty equipment posing as a stoner rock band. Now, there's a big difference between the Melvins and Down. Melvins are an institution of noise rock/stoner rock scrumtralesence; Down just seem like their trying too hard. Sorry guys for being such a Down-er, dirt head metal just aint my bag. Plus, these days Melvins without Big Business is half the fun, however, Melvins will probably play a litany of their old school anthems, which is always fantastic. Puh-leeze, play Queen off of Stoner Witch and school these wackadoos on the art of bowl rumbling Rn'R. P.s. come back and play with the Butthole Surfers next month...for that matter come back and play with Jesus Lizard in November. Please, please,please,please,pleaseplease,please...Oh yeah, this IS HAPPENING!