T.H.C II

Tom Six has a fantastic eye for creepy character actors; Dieter Laser as Dr. Heiter in the first and Laurence R. Harvey as disturbed loner Martin in this installment of the man/insect fecal fest. Laurence Harvey is amazing as the bug-eyed protagonist, an abused loser who…ok, he’s a psychopath, and not in the Ted Bundy charismatic sort of way. Martin is borderline
mentally challenged, the beauty is he has zero lines in the entire movie; a feat more impressive since he’s in every scene. It’s his perverse presence that makes this film amazing. Where T.H.C lacked in gore, this one delivers, but it’s almost unnecessary. The point was to make it more brutal, since Martin isn’t a doctor, his centipede is far more crude and thus, much scarier. His centipede is much bigger, because it is a total labor of love, so much so that he has to profess his love for it, so to speak. The mood is right; the story is consistent, if not even comical at times, but it’s the characters, not the story that makes this film. So, I’m torn; not a fantastic film, but perfect casting of caricatures of real, real disturbed people. Look for the ode to, Schindler’s List, according to Six.

AND, they made a sequel?

Being a bit of Horror movie aficionado, I am able to suspend my disbelief accordingly; especially, when it comes to the Villain/Hero’s abilities. When Jason pops up after NOT running after his prey that should be at least a half a mile away, it’s okay because he’s basically a zombie with a hockey mask and absolutely NOTHING else has seemed plausible up to that point. Basically, when all bets are off, one can accept almost anything. Laid to Rest does not play this game effectively. As a matter of opinion, this may be one of the worst attempts to pander to an audience I have ever seen. The cast is not stellar, but I’m not sure we can even blame them for the poor showing that this proves to be. The lead actress, Bobbie Sue Luther is very nice to look at, but when she delivers the line, “I woke up in a, in a, dead box!” You’re like…”what?” She has amnesia and can’t remember the names of things, so, yeah. Every character makes such bad decisions in this bucket of turds, that at some point I had to stop the movie and actually wonder aloud if this was either an attempt (bad attempt) at high art spoof or if the screen writers actually thought that moving the story along meant having our characters hide from the bad guy in some of the most bizarrely obvious and poorly planned places and maneuvers. When I say obvious and stupid, the main character wakes up in a funeral parlor and when given the option to get the hell out of dodge or go back to where she was 1st introduced to the killer, guess what she chooses? Apparently, this is an option because she absolutely has got to remember something and that’s the only place possible!? I wasn’t aware that riding in a car to safety made one incapable of thinking. Ugh, Chrome Skull…ok, this is the most offensive aspect of this film. The folks behind this movie wanted to come up with a modern horror icon and that’s basically it; this is the only explanation for how bad the rest of this movie is. He’s a high tech killer, with out of date equipment, he has a seemingly impervious metal skull for a face and video cameras on his shoulders, for which there is little or no explanation. Apparently, a maniac surgeon on the loose is the entire back story necessary, how is that possible? The guys license plate on his Mercedes is CRMSKL…in what world is it a problem to track this guy down? Crazy surgeon, uses high tech, satellite linked cell phones, with a messed up face (allegedly) and a license plate that says CRMSKL, seems to me like Encyclopedia Brown would have had that one solved in 30 minutes or less, and that’s pre-internet; plus, the opportunity to use Suicidal Tendencies on your soundtrack and not use “I saw your Mommy.” Really? Party foul, guys!

Ween

I'm not sure what I was doing while the world was shielding me from Ween, but screw you world. Unfortunately, the gentlemen in Ween will never get the credit they deserve for being amazingly adept songwriters. Here's the rub, while most bands write the poetry of 10th grade schoolgirls, obsessed with Twilight movies and such, Ween could actually be the next Beatles and in the next breath they could be the next Ramones or outlaw country legends. They purposefully have no discernible sound, other then the complete and utter hatred for genre defining. What? "Why, won't these demon masters of musical prowess ever reach the status of near ethereal demi-gods" you ask? It's because they have a sense of humor and stupid people feel like they're being made fun of when they don't understand. Why, does this band go from psychedelia to Ennio Morricone-esque songs of double cross and revenge, only to switch to seemingly stream of conscious silliness and then off in some other delusional direction? They do it because no one else is doing it, they do it because they can and their damn good at it.






If you couldn't tell from the picture, these are all from the Chocolate and Cheese album. Which seems to perfectly illustrate my point.
Gene and Dean Ween deserve our respect, love and admiration. However, like all self assured guys with a good balance of hubris and self esteem, they refuse to demand our attention. They know how sweet the conversion is from ambivalent A-hole to hysteric induced disciple; they've done it to Henry Rollins...do you think you're stronger then Henry Rollins?



I mean look at him up there, his neck is the size of a redwood tree.

Hobo with a Shotgun!

Look at that poster; it's a thing of beauty isn't it? This grindhouse trailer became the kind of movie that Troma used to be infamous for making. A movie that proudly features ridiculous sex, over the top violence and a skewed sense of reality for no reason other then to titillate. These characters would easily fit in the Toxic Avenger's Tromaville. Random punks, kill people with bumper cars, the number one cause of death for crossing our villain Drake is beheading by barbwire noose while being suspended by a manhole cover neatly placed around the neck; a rather elaborate, but highly entertaining death scene. Bottom line, exploitation movies don't take themselves seriously and don't expect you to either. They are simply eye candy, with no lessons to learn except the bad guys have to pay at any cost.
Even when uber bad guys "The Plague" show up and bring the whole movie to a seemingly new level of the preposterous, it doesn't matter. They are simply rad characters, who apparently, killed Jesus and Abraham Lincoln. Even the soundtrack is spot on for this type of movie. Here's a huge kudos to writer/director Jason Eisener and company for resurrecting the fun of low budget chicanery. Now if only we can get Rob Zombie on that Werewolf Women of the SS feature...

Insidious, indeed.

The love child of Animal from the Muppets and Darth Maul playing peek a boo behind Nite Owl


in·sid·i·ous/inˈsidēəs/Adjective
1. Proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects.
2. Treacherous; crafty

Insidious is actually two movies; the first one is a suspense building, scare-a-thon with brilliant music and tons of potential. Unfortunately, the second is made up of outtakes from some mid 90's low budget, Canadian, tween, horror program; Are you afraid of the dark?, maybe. So, the best thing I can say about James Wan's film is that through some Andy Kaufamn-esque feat of joke playing, he sold us all on a horror film that is really a mockery of bad horror films. Let's breakdown this shipwreck and see if the critique floats, shall we?

This is Mom; she's played by Rose Byrne who portrays her as being a bit tortured. Mom writes music, for what we don't know, although we see a book in the beginning of the movie that says something about healing through music. So, we are to believe that Mom is going through something and needs to write music because she has to "Exorcise the demons." However, this is never broached throughout the entire movie. Is Mom depressed because her husband is a school teacher, who can afford 2 different huge houses or maybe because she has 3 kids, who aside from the crying baby, seem pretty nice? We get no answers. Maybe I missed something, but that life doesn't sound so bad, stay at home mom, aspiring songwriter, Dad gets the summers off.

Hey, speaking of Dad, there he is again! Dad is a school teacher who used to astral project when he slept, although we don't find this out until randomly Barbara Hershey shows up 3/4 of the way through the film and reminds him of it. Then she tells him he used to be haunted by an old lady ghost who wanted his body.

Oh, there she is. Anyways, this is all relevant because Dad and Mom's first born, Dalton has astral projected himself into "the Further" and can't get back because Animal/Darth Maul won't let him.
All of this is actually well done, despite the lack of necessary plot points. It's when Dad/Nite Owl decides to mount a rescue mission, with no preparation that things get, well, shitty.
First thing James Wan, no more smoke machines for you, ever. Your smoke machine license has been irreparably revoked, sorry pal. Dad finds himself in "the Further" and inexplicably, nothing makes any damn sense from there in the film. The demon never gets a full reveal, but we do see him getting down to the sounds of Tiny Tim's Tiptoe through the Tulips with his dolls and puppets while sharpening his metal nails, so there's that, I guess. Plus, were supposed to connect the dots between a spectral kid running around the house grooving to the same jam earlier in the movie and the demon, but we really don't get an explanation. Other than the 2 characters really like the musical styling of Tiny Tim.
I mean, if the point is the Demon was once that kid and wants to be a kid again, I get it, but you really made us work for that.
This movie is a mess, it's almost as if the budget was blown on the beginning of the movie and the film makers got bored and decided to just end the damn thing. Insidious, means to proceed in a gradual, subtle way with harmful effects. I agree with that, perfect name for this move.

The Sudden Passion "Central Standard Time"

Above is the video for "Herpes of the Heart" by The Sudden Passion. Curiously, I have no idea how I procured this little gem of a record, but I feel that it has something to do with my cavalier attitude towards the "stealing" of music online. Seems these indie-folk outlaws found a way to tack their record, "Central Standard Time" onto the the Black Keys "Brothers" album. Whether or not this is sanctioned by the Black keys is unknown at this time, however if I were the Black Keys, I would just go with it. The Sudden Passion, are...different; for lack of a better description, they sound like what They Might Be Giants, would sound like if they'd been weaned on a healthy diet of Exile on Mainstreet era Rolling Stones and outlaw country records. If you think that's a diss, you're totally in the wrong place. The songs seem heartfelt and I found myself snickering at first to the contrast of heartfelt songwriting with the litany of F-bombs used to describe emotion. Then, after a few spins I realized, there are no polite words to describe the feeling of the word "Fuck." Sometimes, maybe even in polite company, you gotta "Fuck." Despite, this realization, it does sound unnatural in the connotation, but all good art has to challenge the audience to follow it down the rabbit hole of the artists imagination. Once, I let go and went along for the ride, i felt like this was a well worn, scratched CD that had been a staple in the cars of good friends, during long nights, looking for some action and only finding good conversation, good tunes and cold beers. Yeah, I really, really like it.

Support these guys and pick up a copy, or download it and buy a t-shirt when they're on tour in your town or something.

The politics of Hospitality.

There is a certain poetic justice to the collapse of our financial sector; especially, if you work in the Service Industry. Now, “Why would I be happy to bite the hand that feeds me?” you may ask. Service Industry workers totally rely on those with capital to keep the light on, that’s true; however, the sad truth is no one tips better then those IN the Service Industries…who have very little money to throw around. Yeah, we party better then anyone, mostly because we HAVE to blow off steam or kill 17 nurses from a bell tower with a rifle after having been abused by self absorbed assholes with shitty crying children making modern art all over the floor. Do I look like a janitor/babysitter/whipping boy? If so is it my haircut? What else can I do to make YOU and yours civilized? We don’t want to hate you though; it runs counter productive to the process of Hospitality. Seriously, we really want you to enjoy your meal/drink/experience; it’s more fun that way for all of us. So, here are a few tips that will hopefully repair relations between our kind. Maybe, one day in the not so distant future we can all have drinks after a successful 4 star dining experience and adequate compensation. Shit, I’ll recommend the place and the first round is on me.

1. If you are discussing business, get a conference room.
It’s not the act of shop talk that we dislike as servers, it’s the time spent doing it. You’re all gravy if you’re eating and drinking, but once the meal is over and you’re sipping water at some one’s table for an hour, you’re really cutting into our time to turn the table. This may sound shitty, but it’s the only reason were there. This generally happens at lunch time, seeing as at supper after dinner drinks and coffee are much more prevalent. Look, make us all happy, get a conference room and order in or have your meeting at the beach or something, get creative or use the matrix that states for every 20 minutes you sit at my table not eating or drinking that will be a $2 stagnant table fee added to my tip.

2. If your kid is too young to behave, don’t go out.
Now, this is a tough one because I love kids. Some kids are totally cool and don’t give you problems, they look around bewildered by the new surroundings, loving every second of being somewhere new. Others scream like a banshee at the first sign of a new and terrible place. Now, were not heartless creatures, servers that is, we understand that kids do that, but take the kid outside! Just because you’ve become dead behind the ears to the murderous screams of your child doesn’t mean anyone else has; shit man, that kids killing my ability to stifle this hangover and my other tables get pissed at me for not saying something. See, see how that’s a double edged sword for me? If I say something to you, you’ll get mad at me if I don’t I lose out on all the other tips. I know you need to go out and get a meal, your human beings, but you had children, you lost your rights to a nice dinner out for a few years. Sorry, that’s just the way it is if your too cheap to hire a babysitter.

3. If the table isn’t big enough to accommodate, don’t force it.
True story, I worked at a steakhouse where the policy was, we aren’t a banquet style eatery and we don’t have a banquet room, so we don’t do parties of 10 or more. So, a guy comes in on a slow lunch and wants us to accommodate his party of 15, I explain the policy and his response is, “Why don’t you just push some of these tables together.”; as if that had never occurred to anyone before in the history of the world. I explained that the tables were indeed bolted to the floor, (because, that question had been broached several times.) so, instead of accepting his fate and either splitting up his party or going someplace else, he gets on his hands and knees in his overpriced suit and starts trying to take the bolts out of the floor. I shit you not. I know he was trying to make a point and some business men have to exert dominance over the world, that’s how they get where they got to in life; but you look like an asshole when you do that. If it looks like an asshole, smells like an asshole and is totally full of shit…

4. If you want a booth/table say that.
It’s Friday at 8:30, you’ve had to wait at the overcrowded bar for 45 minutes and your name gets called, “Goodie” you think, it’s time to eat! The Host gets you within spitting range of your gastronomic real estate and you go, “Oh, I’m sorry we wanted a booth.” Look, I know your problem is important to you and your Filet and bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape won’t taste the same in a different altitude, but see the pile up at the door? That’s your fault, those people can’t get seated, ‘cause no one knows what the Host is doing, and know your going to double seat the server where you want to sit out of turn, so that person will have to go into rushed mode to get you started in a timely manner as well as getting table 5’s appetizers out in enough time because they didn’t know they were going to get double sat and just put in the entrees as well. That’s what happens if you aren’t specific and willing to wait a little longer. Think of it like this: if you have someone in a wheelchair, you have to make the concession that they can make it to the table, so you tell the Hosts right away, “My mother is in a wheelchair and she can’t get up the stairs or sit in a booth, so we’ll need a table.” Think of what you want, if you’re going to be so particular and ask for it. Or, you get what you get and be happy you got a seat at 8:30 on a Friday without reservations…jerk.

5. Don’t steal my pen.
Don’t steal my fucking pen. I pay for those. When you go, “Oh, this is a great pen…” Yeah, I know they make me buy those here; they do not come free with your meal.

6. If your going to make me split your bill 8 ways, be patient.
These days splitting checks isn’t a big deal, but it does take some time and if you don’t tell us to begin with it can become a huge hassle. Also, if you’re in a hurry all of a sudden and you’re splitting things 8 ways you’re just an asshole. Sorry, but you can’t spring that shit out of nowhere and expect it to be ok. “Hey, can we get our checks and were on a bit of a time crunch sooo…” NO! That is information, such as the splitting of the checks, is something that you let us know from the start. How can I adequately serve you and make sure you have everything you need to enjoy yourself if you don’t let me know. I can only ask so many questions without looking like I’m trying to hurry you along. Work with me here people.

7. If you’re cool, you will get awesome service.
You ever go out with someone who wants everything 30 seconds before they ordered it and gets pissed when it’s not there? I have not evolved to the point of extra sensory perception, so I didn’t know you needed soda water no ice with a lime twist, sorry. If you treat me with the respect I deserve, and I’m handling your food, so I guess for some people that’s a sliding scale, you will get the best service I can provide. Plus, I might be able to pull some strings and get you some free shit. Yeah, it’s true, generally if a table is fun and talkative and really has a good time the managers will comp dessert to keep the party going. That is like food manager crack, “Table 5 is having a great time, they’ve had some wine some nice steaks and their really fun, can we buy them dessert?” 95% of the time they say yes, it looks good for them, me and the restaurant to keep people happy. Plus, they had to right of the 2 desserts they had to give away earlier because of the implied shitty service they got because of the couple that didn’t want to sit in the booth/table offered to them first.

Do you see the cycle, a pattern emerging? Please, follow these steps and seriously, everyone is happy. I promise, we wont make fun of you when you leave because you called Tosh.O blue humor or couldn’t remember Seth McFarlane is the guy who does Family Guy.