Ed Norton as opposed to the obligatory Brad Pitt shot. You know he was in that movie too!

Hey there kids, Fight Club the movie is 10 years old this week! I know right? Where does the time go? So, it has officially corrupted a decade of impressionable youths; much like one of my other favorite anti-social behaviour inspiring classics, A Clockwork Orange. Both, were better books than movies, and both movies were great. Moral of the story, read a book. Funny thing about both books AND both movies is, the endings in the books were better than the movies. Why did they do that? In Fight Club the books ending is dark and fits the tone of the story better, in the end...there is no end. Brilliant, if you ask me why throw that ending away? In A Clockwork Orange there is an entire chapter that changes the ending 100%. It's even a happy ending, why would they change that? The official reason given by Stanley Kubrick when he was sucking in air was that he read the American version of the book which omitted the last chapter. 1st, why on Earth would any publisher do that and in his preparation for making the movie didn't anyone bring that up? "Hey, Stan, I got this other version of that book were making into a movie, it's from the U.K. or something, anyways it's got a whole different ending and an extra chapter...we should do that movie I think." People are stupid. Anyways, go get the blue ray of Fight Club cause the blood will be, like, in your living room as opposed to just on your T.V. Get those books too, they're really good.

Tokyo.Gore.Police.

I love the Japanese. They are the epitome of how a repressed nation can unleash their imagination ID in such a bizarre fashion. This movie is AMAZING! It's totally rocking the social commentary a'la Robocop with commercials for neon razors for fashionable teen "Cutters", a wii remote accessory that is a samurai sword for cutting gaming enemies in half and a P.S.A warning against the dangers of Hari Kari!? Not to mention a race of genetically engineered bad guys, who cannot be killed unless a mysterious key gland is extracted from their skulls. What happens to them until said key is extracted? They mutate into ever more bizarre killing machines, much like The Thing, until they get snuffed. Yeah, we have a Robocop reference right next to The Thing. Hell has officially frozen over folks. The gore is percolating over the edge and each monster seems to lean more to the imaginations of Clive Barker than Manga...look:

That's enough to make me want to commit Seppuku...sincerely. Japanese movie makers have always known that violence sells, look at all the squibs needed to power just one frame of Shogun Assasin, that's alot of blood I assure you. This chick with the croco-crotch is not the only beauty in this brothel with a secret...you'll just have to watch this psycho thrill movie that borders on torture porn to get the gist. I really, really can't do it any justice....really.

In the meantime, have sweet dreams of these lusty creatures tonite...wow...

Dead Snow

Ahhh, I've been waiting to see this one for a little while know. Much like the afore-mentioned Drag me to hell, this movie isn't going to win an Oscar for anything. It drags 5 minutes too long before getting to the action and isn't long enough to tie up loose ends, it is, however, tons of fun. Obviously, Tommy Wirkola loves the best things about American cinema and has no issue exploiting them. There are several references to Friday The 13th, Evil Dead series and even the Indiana Jones movies. At one point in this all Norwegian spoken movie, the characters stop to quote movies, in English. Just so you get the reference, I guess, which is awesome especially when the quote is "Fortune and Glory, kid. Fortune and Glory." It really brings a feel good vibe to a movie about Nazi Zombies attacking douche medical students on a snowy mountain top. The movie doesn't make much sense, there is no explanation of why there are Nazi Zombies in the mountains....I mean, there's no explanation of why their zombies anyways. The one douchetard that knows what's going on, gets killed first for being stupid, which kinda makes no sense. That would be like killing Lance Henrikson 1st in Pumpkin head thus destroying the entire movie. Yeah, it's a little cobbled together, but there are chainsaw beheadings, a funny hammer and sickle reference/ killing, outhouse sex scenes and a self amputation/cauterization scene that is totally over the top. It's pretty fun to watch if you've got nothing else going on and could use some laughs. That's what this one's got, gross out laughs, don't expect much sense.

Look into the eyes of Satan...

Remember about a year ago, when that Chimpanzee wouldn't chill out for company and it's "Mommy" gave it Xanax to cool it out. Do you remember what happened next? That chimp went ape shit and ripped off her face with its bizarre simian strength. What is with THAT!? Apparently, it is no secret that when Chimpanzees turn around 8 years old, they get some sort of monkey althzeimers and forget everything they've been taught. This can lead to some snags in man simian relations as you can imagine; seeing as THEY ARE WILD ANIMALS! Duh... Soooo, what went wrong? Well, in a "normal" PERSON, Xanax would have helped, but even humans with emotional problems have to stay away from certain drugs and especially those that regulate moods because a lot of times they have adverse reactions to them. For example: give a kid with A.D.H.D coffee and it could potentially send them to dreamland toot sweet. So give an unstable animal Xanax and it could potentially send said animal into a simulated 'roid rage, that could potentially rival any Angel Dust imbibing mammal for overall carnage. Seriously, these are supposed to be our cousins in the gene pool, we treat them nice, give them jobs (circus, showbiz, whatever) and the animal equivalent of a 401k (the zoo) and they repay us by ripping our faces off...that's not very cool buddy.
Anyways, I have before and after pictures of the lady who got FUBAR'ed by her chimpanzee. It's pretty brutal and you may throw up in your mouth a little bit...P.S. chick has no hands either...yikes
Before



After



Moral of the story? Never trust a monkey. The End.

Scariest damn thing...ever...

This is a walking catfish and I don't mean that figuratively...I mean it literally! This catfish can literally walk from one pond to the other when the water gets too low...that is one of the scariest GD things I have ever heard. I want to stomp on that damn fish (just to daze it) and throw it back into the water while yelling about how all fish should know their place. I want to trick it into borrowing a large sum of money from a loan shark. A sum so large that this jobless freak wont ever be able to pay back, and said loan shark will be forced to break this bastards legs or fins or whatever. At least the Celocant, had the decency to have budding legs, so we knew, even in our prehistoric minds, that shit would not stand! So we killed it. Now nature wants its revenge so it's sent this crazy catfish bastard to slither its way into our homes to eat our pets, seduce our women and one day raise our children as their own. Fuck you catfish, we're on to you!

I don't want your cat, pork queen!

Drag me to Hell, yeah! Sam Raimi is one of my favorite directors and though he lacks the depth of the Cohen Brothers and the sick imagination of Guillermo Del Toro; he can spin an amazingly twisted, funny yarn. Drag Me To Hell, is not Evil Dead 2, nor is it even Army of Darkness. As you watch the movie, you can recognize how not really good the movie is, however, it IS a really good return to form for Sam Raimi. It's not very good the way that say, Darkman was never a contender for the Oscar; but when it's on you will totally watch that shit. It doesn't take itself seriously, why should it? Didn't we go down a similar road like 15 years ago with Stephen Kings' Thinner? A person pisses off a gross looking gypsy who puts a curse on them. They are skeptical and then totally freaking out, so they try to find a way to reverse the curse and end up having to give it away. Yeah, sorry SPOILER, if you didn't get the way this movie was going to play out from the first 10 minutes I have a first class ticket to the moon with your name on it. I'll let it go for a measly $10,000 a paltry sum just for you...cause you seem like a good kid, and I like you.
Back to what we were talking about, sometimes movies are there just to unplug your mind and go along for the ride. Popcorn, movies...you know the late-nite double feature ilk shown in the heyday of the drive-in. They're few and far between (good ones, anyways) these days, so my hat is off to Sam Raimi. This movie almost makes up for Spiderman 3...almost.

Cut the shit...

It has come to my attention that these 2 bad ass '80's icons (for boys and girls respectively) need some good advice. First, Madonna set the standard for pop music in the 80's by blending budding sexuality, songs about dancing and great production. In a time of skating rink anthems by the likes of Tiffany, Debbie Gibson and Lisa Lisa; Madonna stepped it up a bit and actually pushed boundaries in pop culture while executing the impossible. She sold the blurred lines in her music as controversy; dancing as a sexual act.
Axl Rose, took blues based hard rock and packed it full of punk rock attitude. The Rolling Stones meets the Sex Pistols; a fantastically amazing combination of swagger, anger and talent. Axl, I realize you love Queen, there is nothing wrong with that, Queen rules. You, however, are not in Queen, you are 1 of the integral parts of Guns and Roses. Not Guns or And...you are Roses...you CANNOT be Guns AND Roses...the world is made up of in holes and out holes...guess what...you can't be both. That horrible fucking band w/ Slash and the guy from S.T.P is wayyy more GnR then what you got going on. You got smacked by Tommy Hilfinger fer Jesus Christ-sake.


OK, I'm a big fan of both of you, so with all due respect: CUT THE SHIT!
Madonna, you may be a kabbalah lady 'er something so stay away from the sex talk, you're the queen of re-invention so that shock shit is way tired. You did, however, write a shit ton of #1 hits about dancing. Let's get you back to your roots. Dammit, whoever the god of Kabbalah is can't be pissed about a song about dancing! Step to it woman, you're being usurped by Lady Gaga, she's sweet and all but, come on! She's 3 hot dogs away from singing and playing the organ at Yankee stadium.
Axl. You! You stupid asshole...where do YOU get off ditching Slash? Who the hell do you think you are mid-western boy? YOU ARE NOT FREDDIE MERCURY! For that matter, you aren't Brian May. This is a good thing. (read above) You play a very important part in the Rn'R world. I have to admit, you have time, you could have Lemmy status. You could be, the man who saved Rn'R from the bullshit of the 00's. You could really make it happen, all you have to do IS: get back with the Guns And, part of Guns and Roses. Stop being an asshole, make an awesome record...better yet, make an awesome live record. That's fucking rock and roll. You and Madonna owe us some great shit. You think you can steal our lunch money as kids and not deliver on it? We will not have this...put out some more Chinese Democracies and Best of: albums...see what fucking happens.