Scariest damn thing...ever...

This is a walking catfish and I don't mean that figuratively...I mean it literally! This catfish can literally walk from one pond to the other when the water gets too low...that is one of the scariest GD things I have ever heard. I want to stomp on that damn fish (just to daze it) and throw it back into the water while yelling about how all fish should know their place. I want to trick it into borrowing a large sum of money from a loan shark. A sum so large that this jobless freak wont ever be able to pay back, and said loan shark will be forced to break this bastards legs or fins or whatever. At least the Celocant, had the decency to have budding legs, so we knew, even in our prehistoric minds, that shit would not stand! So we killed it. Now nature wants its revenge so it's sent this crazy catfish bastard to slither its way into our homes to eat our pets, seduce our women and one day raise our children as their own. Fuck you catfish, we're on to you!

I don't want your cat, pork queen!

Drag me to Hell, yeah! Sam Raimi is one of my favorite directors and though he lacks the depth of the Cohen Brothers and the sick imagination of Guillermo Del Toro; he can spin an amazingly twisted, funny yarn. Drag Me To Hell, is not Evil Dead 2, nor is it even Army of Darkness. As you watch the movie, you can recognize how not really good the movie is, however, it IS a really good return to form for Sam Raimi. It's not very good the way that say, Darkman was never a contender for the Oscar; but when it's on you will totally watch that shit. It doesn't take itself seriously, why should it? Didn't we go down a similar road like 15 years ago with Stephen Kings' Thinner? A person pisses off a gross looking gypsy who puts a curse on them. They are skeptical and then totally freaking out, so they try to find a way to reverse the curse and end up having to give it away. Yeah, sorry SPOILER, if you didn't get the way this movie was going to play out from the first 10 minutes I have a first class ticket to the moon with your name on it. I'll let it go for a measly $10,000 a paltry sum just for you...cause you seem like a good kid, and I like you.
Back to what we were talking about, sometimes movies are there just to unplug your mind and go along for the ride. Popcorn, movies...you know the late-nite double feature ilk shown in the heyday of the drive-in. They're few and far between (good ones, anyways) these days, so my hat is off to Sam Raimi. This movie almost makes up for Spiderman 3...almost.

Cut the shit...

It has come to my attention that these 2 bad ass '80's icons (for boys and girls respectively) need some good advice. First, Madonna set the standard for pop music in the 80's by blending budding sexuality, songs about dancing and great production. In a time of skating rink anthems by the likes of Tiffany, Debbie Gibson and Lisa Lisa; Madonna stepped it up a bit and actually pushed boundaries in pop culture while executing the impossible. She sold the blurred lines in her music as controversy; dancing as a sexual act.
Axl Rose, took blues based hard rock and packed it full of punk rock attitude. The Rolling Stones meets the Sex Pistols; a fantastically amazing combination of swagger, anger and talent. Axl, I realize you love Queen, there is nothing wrong with that, Queen rules. You, however, are not in Queen, you are 1 of the integral parts of Guns and Roses. Not Guns or And...you are Roses...you CANNOT be Guns AND Roses...the world is made up of in holes and out holes...guess what...you can't be both. That horrible fucking band w/ Slash and the guy from S.T.P is wayyy more GnR then what you got going on. You got smacked by Tommy Hilfinger fer Jesus Christ-sake.


OK, I'm a big fan of both of you, so with all due respect: CUT THE SHIT!
Madonna, you may be a kabbalah lady 'er something so stay away from the sex talk, you're the queen of re-invention so that shock shit is way tired. You did, however, write a shit ton of #1 hits about dancing. Let's get you back to your roots. Dammit, whoever the god of Kabbalah is can't be pissed about a song about dancing! Step to it woman, you're being usurped by Lady Gaga, she's sweet and all but, come on! She's 3 hot dogs away from singing and playing the organ at Yankee stadium.
Axl. You! You stupid asshole...where do YOU get off ditching Slash? Who the hell do you think you are mid-western boy? YOU ARE NOT FREDDIE MERCURY! For that matter, you aren't Brian May. This is a good thing. (read above) You play a very important part in the Rn'R world. I have to admit, you have time, you could have Lemmy status. You could be, the man who saved Rn'R from the bullshit of the 00's. You could really make it happen, all you have to do IS: get back with the Guns And, part of Guns and Roses. Stop being an asshole, make an awesome record...better yet, make an awesome live record. That's fucking rock and roll. You and Madonna owe us some great shit. You think you can steal our lunch money as kids and not deliver on it? We will not have this...put out some more Chinese Democracies and Best of: albums...see what fucking happens.

....holy cow...

Be careful what you wish for...that last post is the opposite of this one. This movie is about a German Dr. (Eastern Europeans...crazy bastiches) who specializes in separating Siamese twins and of course loses his shit somewhere along the way. He decides to wield his mighty scalpel in the name of science(evil-read between the lines) instead of good and set out to create a Human Centipede (name of the movie) with one digestive tract and 3 bodies. I dare you to guess how they are attached...go on, guess. Let's just say Dante Hicks was wrong as far as this doctor is concerned; "Sometimes, you go ass to mouth." I'm sooo grossed out right now, this movie will be amazing, if I have the brass cojones to watch it. I'm already ranking it with, Inside as an all time gross out...and I haven't even seen it yet! That is amazing! Look, the movie may be shit, but just the fact that someone is brazen and sick enough to come up with this stuff is impressive. Long live imagination, in all of its hideous forms!

Wolfman...humpfh

Universal Studios is set to release their rehash of old monster movies that have languished in obscurity for too long;starting with The Wolfman starring Benicio Del Toro and Sir Anthony Hopkins. Why is this a bad idea? So glad you asked, while wolfmen and vampires have the ability to scare still, they have also been exploited and romanticized to the point of ridiculousness. Forget about the Mummy or Frankenstein. The Mummy was foolishly turned into a half-assed Indiana Jones rip-off starring Brendan Frasier; truly ruining any clout this former Pharaoh had to offer to the Monster mash. Frankenstein, has become the poster child for orphans and science gone awry. I like him better this way, to make him a bad guy seems like a cheap way of explaining his behaviour. No, I say no...Lovecraft is the true master of Horror. Why are most of our monsters human like? The Thing is a scary movie, Re-Animator is scary. Clive Barker's books are all based on Lovecraft and he can be truly terrifying. Point is...Hollywood, you can do better then this. Stop trying to seduce us with bloodsuckers and hairy alpha males and come up with some tentacle having crazy monsters. If you can't figure it out on your own...you can always ruin Lovecrafts' characters.

The VMA's

As I'm sure you've heard Kanye West did something stupid at the Video Music Awards, cause he's a dumb ass and when you're a dumb ass and you drink, you become a double dumb ass. I pilfered that saying from Star Trek 4; now, who really cares...I can assure you I don't. Yes, it's sad that sweet innocent Taylor Swift got interrupted before she could thank the fans. I felt bad for her, I really did, until about 20 minutes later when she performed on a supposedly real subway car. Then i realized that the thing that made the V.M.A's worth watching WAS Kanye's freakout. Who F'ing cares about little kids in sweater vests and girl haircuts...w.t.f? Mtv should stop...just stop. Haven't you soiled your reputation enough? Music television my foot, what is going on over there? Green Day took the stage and Billie Joe said that Mtv should play more videos, and I agree as long as their not your videos Green day, sorry. The Who did rock operas, you do something else that's less good and gets twice the attention. Blow. This is an indoctrination of American youth, grow up and suck as hard as you can, and maybe, just maybe someone will care. Haircuts and clothes do not make good music, they sell music. For the record, I liked the Lady Gaga performance. It was a little PG-13ish in a sea of G rated assholes. It hearkened back to when people like Madonna would do something primarily because she could and it would be controversial. Stir the pot, the flavors are all the same anyway, why not mix it up. Mtv, you stopped playing music videos, so A. you don't get an awards show for something you don't do and B. you cancelled Wonder Showzen...you sirs are DEAD to me.



P.S. Patrick Swayze died...this is the best tribute ever.

pffftt...whatever

Apparently, Jim Lindbergh of Pennywise fame, has quit the band in order to turn his parenting tome for the pierced into a full length feature film. Hhhmmmm, that sounds odd to me, but in reality I don't care. I actually have never liked Pennywise and Bro Hymn is a dumb song i.m.h.o. Punk rock shouldn't sound polished and surfer snooty. That's one step away from 311 or Phunk Junkees or something and this my friends is no good. Like guys who wear baseball caps real low and sunglasses and basically dress like cholos. Who are you trying to fool? You aren't mexican and out of all the fashionable skaters out there, none of them look like this anymore. Get out of 1995, dickies are only cool if your in middle school or if they are required by your job...like nametags. Good luck to Jim Lindbegh and all the other Pennywisers. Here's to another 20 years of sub-par shitty music. WOOHOO! maybe the bass player will kill himself again...that would be interesting.